Social Networking for the Socially Confused #theresanewdipshitontwitter

I recently launched myself into cyberspace, and I’m hoping like hell there’s a net to catch me or a story left to write when I fall back down to earth. Talk about a distraction: I used to write about loftier things like verbs and shit, but after spending all this time on-line, I’ve degenerated to topics such as cheap chocolate and Peep husbandry. I have learned on my endless quest for publication that editors and agents expect the author to do much of his/her own marketing; a strong on-line presence is now mandatory if publication is the goal. Let the shameless self-promotion begin, I suppose. I thought I would take a little time today to share my experiences with social networking and on-line publication #pleaseletmeguestpostonyourblog.

Facebook seemed like an obvious place to start. I already have a private page for my family pictures and the like, but I wanted to create a separate section for my writing. Most of my friends, family members, and colleagues don’t generally pepper their language with swear words, allow their food to engage in coitus, or fart. I, therefore, had little desire to share my blog with anyone in, say, a 500 mile radius of my hometown. I still have to live and work with these people #pleasedonttellmybossaboutmyblog.

I sent a text to Tech Support (Big A., my stepdaughter) and asked her how to publicize my writing, yet privatize it from People I Might Offend. Big A. suggested that I set up a Fan Page and very nicely referred me to the proper links within Facebook. I quickly filled in the correct information and hit save. When the page refreshed, I found, with great delight, that I already had a LIKE! My oh boy quickly turned to oh, shit when I realized that the “like” stemmed from my pre-adolescent cousin whose parents aren’t that crazy about Sponge Bob. I love these people, and I respect their desire to shelter their daughter from flatulent influences like myself. I called her mother, apologized profusely, and then set my page to 17 and above. Tech Support found this episode rather humorous. I felt rather sickened #lockupyourkidsturdwomanisonfacebook.

My next foray landed me right smack in the Twitter nest. I spend considerable time pondering an appropriate introductory tweet. I said something like, “This twit is now tweeting.” The birds were flarking unimpressed. Twitter has helped me maintain my anonymity quite effectively, since I only have four followers. #BIGApleasefollowmeontwitteripromiseiwontfollowyoubecauseidontneedtoknowaboutyourillicitcollegeactivities.

I did Google myself, and I found myself on the second page (I guess you would call it a page). I located an article on horse barns I’d written and my She Writes page right above a mug shot of a Jennifer Worrell arrested for probation violation and one busted for DUI and driving with a suspended license #wheresabailbondsmanwhenyouneedone. Dude! I’m so excited! Last week, the Mug Shot Chicks were before my She Writes page. Oh, Goody! My four Twitter followers and 14 likes on Facebook must be paying off because Google says I’m moving up in the world!