Oh, My Gawwwwd! I Can See Sarah Palin from My House!

ImageOr at least I can see the glow from the veins in Matt Lauer’s head continuing to pound even today, over a week after he had to manhandle Alaska’s favorite Mass Moose Murderer on the Today Show. He hauled her around with more force than I do with Lil’ P. when he’s trying to lick the refrigerator. Palin couldn’t figure out where to stand, she wouldn’t shut up, and poor Matt looked like he was about to have a complete hemorrhage on the Plaza.  She needed a pair of overalls like Lil’ P. wears so Matt could grab the back of ‘em to keep her in line.  Yesterday, I fished Lil’ P. out of the toilet with his straps, so I know Farmer Britches provide effective restraint. Perhaps we could get some stretchy overalls for Palin—so stretchy that if we pulled them back far enough we could fling her up to Juneau or wherever the hell she came from. I understand, though, that those folks up there have had enough of her too; so much so that they might just ricochet her back—or mount her and hang her up on the Pipeline.

I’m harping on this broad today because I’m jealous as hell sick of her using politics to fatten her wallet. Don’t get me wrong, I love money, but I’m not about to throw my country under my book tour bus in pursuit of its royal greenness. I will continue to toil in my classroom and play the ponies because I know I’m too much of a dumb ass to run the most powerful nation in the world. Sarah Palin, however, leads us to believe she does not possess this level of self-knowledge. We, her reluctant constituents, can see the glow of her rampant jackassery for miles, even farther than the sparkles of rage circling Matt Lauer’s head. I understand that we need to know our political candidates, understand their issues, and all that crap. A Huffington Post article even praises her for blazing the self-promotional trail for women. I’m still pissed off that the Palins of the world continue to run for office for fame, book deals, and Twitter followers #jennwillrunforpresidenttoscamtwitterfollowerstoo.

Again, I must offer this disclaimer. I love money. I don’t blame Palin or anyone else who pursues money in accordance with their own strengths. For instance, someone should give Sarah a hunting show, or better yet, a hunting network. She could endorse bows, rifles, scopes, shotguns and 2012 prepper supplies. A fishing show wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility for this coiffed outdoorswoman either. Palin could make a shitload of money selling stink bait and not terrify us with the prospect of her moody hand hovering over the red button after yet another bad interview with Katie Couric.

Sarah Palin isn’t the only political figure that currently has the honor of chapping my ass—the majority of them do.  Any dickhead with money could potentially be in line for our Presidency—and God, aren’t these idiots a fine collection? Vermin Cain? Snoot Gingrich (hands off my yoot, Newt)? Prick Santorum? Twit (Twat) Romney? Vermin is long gone out of the running—his propensity for screwing others screwed him. Snoot and Prick will probably be battling it out with Sarah Flailin’ for a chance to be Twit’s VP candidate. I’d say that at least one of these asswidgets will flood the market with books that none of us would give two squirrel nuts to read.

I was reared and educated by folks whose political beliefs lay about 35 miles to the right of the Pope. My politics have traveled only about 35 miles to the left of His Holiness, but still. What I have carried with me is a respect for the founding fathers of our country. I know we can’t exactly canonize these men. Thomas Jefferson had a little shopping problem and couldn’t keep his pants zipped. George Washington just wanted to fox hunt. The difference between these men and the clods in politics today, according to my history books, is that our earliest forefathers saw leadership as a responsibility, not a personal publicity campaign. Washington reluctantly took the job of Presidency—he had just fought a war; he wanted to hang out with his hounds at Mount Vernon, not run the country. Jefferson wrote the documents that freed our nation. These men put their lives on the line for this country and its principles. They sure as hell didn’t deface it by acting the fool on the Today Show or hopping on a tour bus to promote a book or some godawful television.

True leadership is not glamorous—did you ever see a President look better at the end of his term than at the beginning? I don’t agree with many of Obama’s policies, but I do believe that when he took that oath in front of millions of people, he really internalized the enormity of the responsibility with which he was tasked. His hair is grayer, and to date, he has conducted himself with class. He spends a veritable shitload of money, but so far he hasn’t taken Sasha and Malia salmon fishing five feet from hungry grizzly bears on some dumb ass reality show like Sarah Palin did. He’s too busy trying to raise my taxes.

So Sarah, have I got a deal for you! I’ll trade you my five six Twitter followers (Big A. is following me now) for your book tour bus and a solemn promise that you will leave the masturbatory marketing to people of my ilk and vow never to torture poor Matt Lauer again. You’d better keep looking over your shoulder, though, you Salmon-Swilling Wackjob! I’m going to sneak over and leave some brilliant comments on Twit Romney’s Facebook page. I’ll see you in November!

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Yousei Hime
    Apr 11, 2012 @ 03:53:34

    I was going to go to bed…lured here by the siren of hilarity and a great post title. Still chuckling as a done pjs.

    Reply

  2. Jen and Tonic
    Apr 11, 2012 @ 04:10:44

    I just triple snapped this post, that’s how much I loved it. I don’t mind opportunists. I love Donald Trump because he’s all about admitting he’s in it for the Benjamins. What I hate is people who pretend like they’re trying to do the right thing when they’ve got hidden agendas at every turn.

    Reply

  3. gigoid
    Apr 11, 2012 @ 04:19:12

    Jennifer….

    Whew! You should learn not to hold things in so much dear; you’ve got to learn to speak your mind….. :-) Oh, right, you just did…. ;-)

    That has been stewing in there a while hasn’t it? Just under a thousand words, every one bitingly funny, as well as sarcastically accurate. While I confess that this is, in my case, preaching to the choir, I still must say I enjoyed it a lot, as it is venom they all well deserve, that I didn’t have to spew.. vicarious thrills, I know, but cheap, even at the going price….

    I’m going to leave it at that…. I could gush more, and be sincere, too, but this doesn’t need embellishment at all, so I’ll just let other folks enjoy it like I did…. it would be too easy to go off on so many of my favorite targets, and they’re already bleeding from your direct hits… schlafen zie woll, mein freund…. good job!

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Apr 11, 2012 @ 11:24:46

      I’m a little teary…thanks from the bottom of my heart. I only have one more little spot of venom which I will unleash a little later in the week. That last post drained me some:)

      Have a fresh and venomless day!
      Jenn

      Reply

  4. Frank
    Apr 11, 2012 @ 11:25:32

    A couple of notes …

    Absolutely correct … Sarah is all about her branding and the money … which is fine, but that does not increase her credibility.

    I enjoy the Today show, but I didn’t watch it that day and haven’t since that day (well, except for the weekends). As a matter of fact, I intentionally tuned into GMA that day (which i seldom watch).

    Sarah Palin is not worth much of my time because she is a nincompoop. http://afrankangle.wordpress.com/2010/11/11/on-nincompoop/

    Thanks for the chuckles.

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Apr 11, 2012 @ 11:30:54

      Frank,

      I appreciate your shout-out for my rather obtuse angle on all things political…I might be able to right myself today:)

      Thanks for doing your part to throw the ratings. I, on the other hand, found the Today show to be similar to some sort of train wreck or maybe an accident. I had to watch. Couldn’t help myself.

      When I return from my job this p.m., I will check out the nincompoop story. Sounds like fun!

      Thanks so much for visiting!

      Your Obtuse Friend in Cyberspace:)

      Reply

  5. doncarroll
    Apr 11, 2012 @ 19:57:34

    i am so glad someone has decided to write something so important for the woman that i love the most. i’d have to say that Lil,P does have a semblance of her. you also work the Lil.P angles quite well as evidenced in others i’ve seen previously by you. great piece jenn!!

    Reply

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