Damnable Gerbil Sends Hormonal Pregnant Woman Over Edge

ImageI walked in the door, peaked, but still mellow, from our vacation to the beach. Lil’ K. made it inside a little before me as I was twenty-eight weeks pregnant with her. She was just beginning to stick out a bit. I hadn’t yet developed the stature of a charging rhinoceros, but I found myself possessing some of the emotional qualities.

Lil’ K. did some interesting flips as I headed into the home office to check on the gerbil, my classroom pet. My students throughout the years had been the owners of everything from a giant killer rabbit, to two rats, to horny guinea pigs. At the time, I felt that no classroom was complete without some sort of creature.  I had even taught one of the rats to ride on my shoulder while I taught. Rats have wonderful personalities, but they tend to stink. After the big rodents died, I moved to gerbils. I thought they would be easier to manage. This gerbil always looked like it was up to something, though; its shifty eyes looked Satanic as they followed me around the classroom. It seemed to think evil thoughts about harming stupid humans.

I peered into Cheeseburger’s cage (named after Jimmy Buffet’s song, “Cheeseburger in Paradise”) only to find the little white puff ball gone. The food bowl was still partially full, as was the water bottle and the treat bin; but the damn cage was empty. One of the bars on the cage had been chewed through as if the beast had been watching the movie Jailbreak and wanted a starring role in the rodent version.

I saw a flash of white zing across the rug, daring me to chase it. I noticed two pieces of electrical cords lying on the floor. One should have been connected to Mr. Jenn’s police radio chargers, and the other belonged to my printer. Instead, their frayed ends curled limply under my desk. The little asshole zipped back under the desk, stopping briefly to nibble the chewed radio cord. I swear I saw it flip me the bird as it disappeared. I envisioned Mr. Jenn’s hemorrhage when he discovered the electrical carnage. Thank God we had unplugged everything before we left on vacation.

I squatted my pregnant self down on the floor in an attempt to catch the damn gerbil on its next pass. I farted and burped in concert as I dove over to catch the little white turd while it changed course on me. It slid behind the file cabinet, sticking only its nose out from behind it, obviously mocking me with what it thought was superior intelligence.

“You sumbitch,” I hollered, then caught myself. Breathe, I told myself, don’t scare it off. I offered the little shit some gerbil nibble, and it stuck a bit more of its head out to investigate, hunger obviously overpowering its need for escape. I grabbed it by the face and cupped it in my hand.

I remember screaming in pain as the rotten little thing bit down on my finger. Now, the rat bastard was trying for a starring role in a Monty Python thriller about a killer gerbil. Blood pooled around two newly gaping holes in my middle finger, and I saw nothing but white-hot hormonal rage.

“You rotten mother f(*&&%%$$%^^&*&*())(**&^%$##!!!” I howled, running for the door with the fluffy, cuter version of Edward Cullen attached to my finger. I kicked open the door, only to hear Mr. Jenn swearing profusely as he bent over the camper trailer hitch. I vaguely remember seeing the hitch-shaped dent in the bumper of the truck, and realized he must have turned too sharply upon re-entry into our driveway.

He looked up in shock noticing me wind up as though I were pitching for the Red Sox. The gerbil made a gorgeous arc as it flew from my finger and into the woods. Mr. Jenn’s eyes followed the white flying creature traveling at the speed of light, his brow furrowed in bewilderment.

The gerbil landed in the leaves with a soft squish and looked back at us, its expression screaming “WTF?”

“What did you do that for?” stammered Mr. Jenn, wondering what possessed his animal-loving wife to feed her pet to the neighboring raptors. When he realized that his nemesis, the so-called damnable rat, was gone, he began to grin. He had never liked the animals I brought home, and his grin turned into a snicker.

“You know it’s illegal to introduce an invasive species into our environment,” he said. “I could give you a ticket.”

By this time, I had calmed down. I knew the cursing over the dented truck was nothing compared to the tirade over the destroyed radio charger. That one would be tough to explain during his annual equipment inspection.

“I think we can work a deal,” I said, winking at him. The gerbil happily scampered off deeper into the woods to enjoy its three minutes of freedom. A nearby hawk called, an exclamation mark to my hormonal tirade.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

This story is for Dotty Headbanger—the She-Hermit, in response to her contest earlier about something white that flies through the air at lightspeed. Sorry, Dotty, your American Gopher is tardy as usual; “gophing” is hard work. Better late than never.  On Thursday, I’m also linking this story up with Mama Kat’s Practically World Famous Writing Workshop Prompt about seven things your pet could be thinking. Read closely—this stupid gerbil thinks about seven separate thoughts…jackass!

29 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. deanjbaker
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 00:27:15

    more, please :-)

    Reply

  2. Alex Autin
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 00:37:36

    This is completely wrong in every sense of the word….and SO damn funny!

    Reply

  3. Yousei Hime
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 02:57:22

    We got a gerbil when we first got married. It bit my husband then immediately bounced itself quite firmly off the kitchen wall. They’re quite resilient, arent’ they?

    Reply

  4. craftcrazygran
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 05:28:02

    Oh my goodness! They really are out for world domination you know! :)

    Reply

  5. doncarroll
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 10:09:48

    that was a fun read. i remember chasing gerbils around the house. i’ve got to say that i’ve never seen a pregnant woman with emotions like a rhino one least bit…*L*. what do those symbols stand for after mother f? having a tough time deciphering that.

    Reply

  6. Katie
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 12:10:13

    Oh my, rats are really so much friendlier.

    Reply

  7. Jen
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 13:26:24

    Ha! This was an awesome story. I have had a similar experience with a chipmunk.

    Stopped by from Mama Kat’s.

    Reply

  8. Sister Sister
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 14:00:47

    definitely well written and funny! I can just picture you and the gerbil staring each other down right before he disappeared into the woods. :) NEVER mess with a pregnant lady :)

    hi from mk’s

    Reply

  9. injaynesworld
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 15:55:40

    Howlingly funny. Such visuals! And the cry of the hawk at the end. Perfection!

    Reply

  10. Brooke @ Covered in Grace
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 18:02:23

    Love it! This was fantastic.
    Visiting you from Mama Kat’s!

    Reply

  11. Jen and Tonic
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 03:21:30

    HOLY CRAP! That picture is *terrifying*

    Reply

  12. gigoid
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 00:21:40

    I knew a hamster with the same attitude… it’s hard to accept from prey, isn’t it? Kicks in the instinctual blood lust, in me, anyway, so I can relate to your reaction… Funny stuff…. :-)

    Reply

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