Goldilocks Adds Three Cents to 50 Shades of Gray Commentary

“Well, Goldilocks,” began Mr. Jenn as he rubbed my blond head and plucked an occasional gray hair from my crown, “have you read 50 Shades of Gray yet?”

We had just seen the trailer for the 20/20 special on strange sexual arrangements where Elizabeth Vargas was interviewing the book’s author E. L. James about her racy jaunt into the world of BDSM.  Mr. Jenn and I had stiffened with excitement over such a titillating topic.

“No,” I told him, “I’ve only read excerpts, but it’s first on the summer reading list.”

He grinned.  “I hope it has the same effect on you that it has on them.”

He gestured to the screen at all the gray-clad women enjoying little sex get-togethers in honor of the bestselling book. The commentators, on the other hand, looked on at all the fun with such thin-lipped distaste, that I was certain if we were quiet, we could have heard the steel doors of their vaginas slamming shut all the way out here in the woods. I love it when mainstream media and subcultural sex collide.

Elizabeth Vargas, tasked with the job of investigating Shades’ popularity, looked properly scandalized, and E.L. James confessed that she would die of embarrassment or something if her two teenaged sons ever read her book. She also said she would take the money she makes from her books, which sell at an estimated one per second, and redo her kitchen. Does the irony of that statement cause your vibrator motor to knock or is it just me?

As if the interview hadn’t sucked enough moisture out of our collective vaginas, then several sociologist types had to throw a few more buckets of sand on us viewers. They attributed the book’s popularity to overworked women’s desires to have a rich man take care of everything.

“How does that explanation sit with you?” asked Mr. Jenn.

“Too general,” I said. “Any woman who has ever watched Dr. Phil knows that if you marry for money, you’ll work your ass off for it every day.”

“Apparently, the woman in 50 Shades of Gray is working her ass quite a bit,” noted Mr. Jenn.

Another portion of the explanation for the book’s success was that women, no matter how economically powerful and liberated we become, still go for the biological strong man-weak woman sex model.

“What about that reason?” Mr. Jenn inquired.

“Too evolutionary,” I said. Just because a bunch of women buy a particular sex book, doesn’t mean they all subscribe that the fantasy it puts forth all the time.

Goldilocks’ theory on why Shades is making enough money to redo thousands of kitchens and bedrooms alike is that women are horny! That explanation resonates with me like the vibrating bed down at the local roach motel. Why should we have to apologize or have some deep-seated sociological reason to enjoy reading about wacky sex?

We girls like a new fantasy every now and then, even if it costs $9.99 to download on our e-readers. So what if it’s poorly written? So what if it’s pornographic? It’s dangerous, naughty and fun! Just because we women like to play around with duct tape and gray ties doesn’t mean we still can’t outmaneuver a man in the board room or whip his ass at darts. I know countless women have devoted their lives to shattering the glass ceiling, and my contemporaries and I are forever in their debt. That doesn’t mean we all must have a year’s supply of Ms. Magazines rolled up in our cooches either like some of these Shades critics. Elizabeth Vargas—you know you read it, and I’ll bet you loved it. I plan on loving and poking a little fun at Shades during this summer’s vacation—just hope Mr. Jenn takes me to a secluded beach when I read it!

20 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Elizabeth Rodriguez
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 07:15:40

    LOL! Interesting take on Goldilocks; I like your overall commentary and conclusions.

    Reply

  2. colonialist
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 08:28:04

    Where are the bears? I demand bears! The sex-get-togetherers were grey-clad, so they weren’t bare either! :)

    Reply

  3. According To Mags (@AccordingToMags)
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 10:28:58

    I haven’t read this book yet, but this seems to sum it up pretty well. :P

    Reply

  4. LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart)
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 12:21:13

    The flurry over this book cracks me up. NEWS FLASH: Women like sex. *passes out from shock*
    Nice rant, Goldie. ;)
    Came from the Trifextra linkup.

    Reply

  5. JKBradley
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 12:27:02

    This review will actually get me to read it. Why wouldn’t I want to know what all the buzz is about?

    Reply

  6. OldDogNewTits
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 15:20:06

    My friends keep telling my I need to read this book. I’ll need to pass your funny little take on it to them. Fun interpretation.

    Reply

  7. Jester Queen
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 03:28:10

    I’ve never read it, nor will I, but I assure you, no steel doors are involved. (Also, “the steel doors of their vaginas” was glorious). I just don’t like Twilight, and it’s a Twilight spinoff. I tend to agree with the porn theory. They can sneak a little porn into their lives for the first time in like EVER, AND they can talk about it. Oh yeah.

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Apr 23, 2012 @ 11:22:50

      Keep those steel doors open and enjoy!!! Twilight was kind of a guilty pleasure–I’ll have to read it to try to connect the two. I don’t see how they could possibly mix, though…

      Reply

  8. take2mommy
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 12:57:34

    I’ve been hearing so much about 50 Shades that I’ve got to read it. I’m guessing it will make for entertaining/mindless Summer reading. I liked the Twilight series…is 50 Shades really a spin-off?

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Apr 23, 2012 @ 13:12:16

      I don’t know…I have to read it myself…E.L. James said she was inspired by Twilight, but I don’t know if it’s really a spin off–I didn’t get that impression…

      Reply

  9. take2mommy
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 13:05:54

    I’ve been hearing so much about 50 Shades that I’ve got to read it. I think it will make for light/entertaining summer reading. I liked the Twilight series…is 50 shades really a spin-off?

    Reply

  10. Trifecta
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 17:22:10

    I’m definitely ordering this book for my summer reading. I thought this was a really interesting response to the prompt and it showed great imagination and some excellent writing. Thanks for linking up.

    Reply

  11. dianasschwenk
    May 06, 2012 @ 21:47:53

    Ever since I’ve heard about this book I want to read it!! Thanks for your witty commentary :)

    Reply

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