Teacher Busted While Having Fruity Date Night with Husband

Teachers have a tough time enjoying an adventurous personal life when they reside in the same counties as their schools. Mothers of students can appear anywhere at any time, especially when you are a first-year teacher hoping to snag some parental votes of confidence. During the summer before my raucous debut in the classroom, I once ran my cart into a nice lady and her son near an endcap of kinky lubricants at the Wal-Mart. I didn’t mean to—I was moving my new thongs over so my beer and tampons wouldn’t wrinkle them up. The woman thinly disguised her annoyance and disdain with a toothless smile to acknowledge my fervent apologies. I didn’t think of the incident again until she brought her son to Open House in my classroom before the first day of school. I just hoped Cart Lady couldn’t see my thong line through my new skirt.

The most bizarre parental confrontation happened at a bar FAR AWAY from where I taught. Mr. Jenn and I were newly married, rearing his two kids, and dedicated to lascivious date nights on our weekends off from parenthood. I was dressed like a whore in attire unbefitting an educator, and Mr. Jenn was all pimped out in fresh khakis, a Hawaiian shirt, and a gold chain bracelet. While we were wearin’ it out on the dance floor, the DJ announced a CONTEST! Since both of us were drunk as hell interested in spicing things up, we perked up and listened carefully to the directions. Mr. Jenn had to lay flat on the floor, and I had to insert an orange into his pants leg. I had to then maneuver said orange up and AROUND and out the other pants leg—with my face. As the DJ handed me the prize for first place, I looked straight into the smirking face of Cart Lady, sitting across the way. This time, I think it was highly likely she had seen my thong.

Aside

47 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. craftcrazygran
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 11:50:05

    Having known some educators I’m sympathetic, I know that they are human beings! Amazing, but true, people!

    Reply

  2. El Guapo
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 12:34:40

    Sounds like you would have been he favorite teacher in the school!
    great use of the prompt!

    Reply

  3. Kelly Garriott Waite (@kgwaite)
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 12:47:25

    Ha! I’m always running into former students! They seem surprised to learn I have a life outside of school.

    Reply

  4. clownonfire
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 14:00:27

    Jenn,
    We want you to be our kids’ teacher.
    Let us know how can this be arranged.
    Le Clown

    Reply

  5. braintomahawk
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 14:41:59

    Quite a ‘juicy’ tale! ;)

    Reply

  6. deanjbaker
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 15:59:21

    Kids need you… oops, remembering my childhood

    Reply

  7. Jen and Tonic
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 16:17:45

    DEAR GOD WHY DIDN’T I HAVE A TEACHER LIKE YOU?

    Reply

  8. Sandra
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 17:01:16

    I love this! What a great story. At least it was just Cart Lady and not her child in the audience smirking at you. =) Thanks for the chuckle!

    Reply

  9. Ally
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 19:02:22

    Seriously laughing out loud. I always feel bad for teachers that live in the community they work in. I used to think it was weird to hear about teachers that commuted from neighboring towns, but then it dawned on me. Kinda hard to live a real life under the constant view of your students and their parents!

    Reply

  10. Yousei Hime
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 22:56:15

    You’re braver than I am. The most I ever did was as a teacher-chaperone wear a sari to homecoming. Loving your writing. :D

    Reply

  11. doncarroll
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 23:29:06

    very funny jenn. the overtones were certainly toned up….*L*

    Reply

  12. Big A.
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 00:24:24

    So these are the party-weekend stories I never heard about… NICE! I approve.

    Reply

  13. MOV
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 02:31:39

    awesome!!!! love this!!!!

    Reply

  14. jannatwrites
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 03:59:17

    This is hilarious – that last line was too much!

    Reply

  15. stevehallsbooks
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 10:45:18

    When someone wants to see your thong, they will track you down like a dirty dog until they get to see it. I bet you never ran into her again, outside the school setting, once she had satified her need. :D

    Reply

  16. idiosyncratic eye
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 12:49:51

    And what was Cart Lady doing there anyhow?! Crazy stuff. :)

    Reply

  17. sim@chapter1-take1
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 16:38:58

    You dirty, dirty girl. You made me laugh out loud…and glad o discover the Trifecta!

    Reply

  18. May
    Apr 26, 2012 @ 03:34:11

    The good thing about teaching is that you get a new crop of parents each year! Hopefully, Ms. Cart did not have another child coming up the next year or two. Is it too much to hope he was an only child?!

    Reply

  19. Lisa insignif at best (@insignifblog)
    Apr 26, 2012 @ 20:49:32

    That is hysterical! Great story!!!!

    Reply

  20. Annabelle
    Apr 26, 2012 @ 22:26:32

    That’s too funny! I have, thank heavens, never lived anywhere small enough to risk running into coworkers or anyone else I knew in a work context since reaching adulthood, but the idea of them seeing me in off hours is pretty horrifying.

    Reply

  21. Trifecta (@trifectawriting)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 04:24:30

    We do expect teachers to be madonnas or some sort of android that sleeps in a box inside the classroom after the school closes, don’t we? Which is rarely, if ever, the case.
    Thanks for linking up. Hope to see you back tomorrow for the weekend prompt.

    Reply

  22. OldDogNewTits
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 04:52:59

    Please tell me you’re a Religion teacher.

    Reply

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