Road Trippin’ in the Nude

The other day, my girlfriends (girlFIENDS) and I were discussing the most screwed up things we had seen or done while Road Trippin’ on the Interstate.  After a few toddies, one of my friends admitted to mooning truckers out on the Interstate when she was a teenager. She had received several favorable air horn blasts, so she decided to pull her shirt up and test the reactionary waters. All was “honky” dory until she accidently displayed her girls to her best friend’s father who happened to be hauling live chickens across the state. Luckily, she was wearing a hat and some rhinestone shades; Friend Dad never let on that he recognized her. She thinks he was too busy trying to keep the rig on the road. As it was, chicken cages were teetering all over the place, and a bunch of feathers flew in the window. My friend and her co-conFLASHitors lacked nothing in the creativity department; they turned the feathers into some pretty fancy pasties.

I remained almost fully clothed during my messed-up Interstate experience, but the other party involved did not. I was traveling from a horse show with my college equestrian team in our specially marked van. Our university had a rather academically snooty reputation back then, and my friend Anne and I loved to flip the proverbial bird at the anal retentiveness. In fact, we had just finished mooning our team’s trainer out the back window. He told us through his loudspeaker that our butts were ugly. Our butts were not, in fact, ugly back then. We had recently seen our renaissance trainer perform a kick-ass drag show, so it would stand to reason that he wouldn’t appreciate our butts the way we hoped most people who share his gender would.

Apparently, someone else did admire our butts because I noticed this car riding beside us with its interior lights on. The dude driving the car waved at me—he was wearing nothing but a smile.

“Holy shit!” I cried to no one in particular. “that man is NEKKID!”

“Oh, what is SHE talking about?” questioned one of the snootier members of our team.

Anne climbed over me to have a look.

“Holy shit is right!” she hollered. “He is buck assed nekkid!”

The other girls peered out the side windows. The guy’s smiled widened as he waved at all of us. I collapsed in a heap of hilarity beside Anne, who was also howling. Our team mates were horrified.

“How creepy!” cried one.

“He could follow us!” another chimed in. “We need to report him!”

“What if he’s a rapist?” trembled the smallest among us.

“How’s he going to rape ALL of us at 75 miles per hour?” I snorted. “Don’t you think that sixteen of us could whip his ass?”

“He would probably like that,” noted Anne. “Oh, he just lit a cigarette.”

“A happy ending!” I cried.

“You are gross,” one girl told me.

“I’m hungry,” I told her. “Let’s stop for dinner.”

“Stop?”  they cried. “We can’t stop! What if that guy follows us?”

“So?” said Anne. “We’ll be in the restaurant ordering before he gets his clothes on.”

“We are absolutely NOT stopping,” our driver said. “That would be too dangerous.”

“I feel like my rights have been violated,” another girl said as she looked out the window at the still-smiling driver.

“I feel like my rights to eat have been violated,” yelled Anne. “Pull this damn van over at the next exit and let’s get some food!”

“Wait!” the girl riding shotgun called. “There’s a cop on the side of the road. Go report the guy.”

“There’s nothing to report,” I said. “He took the plates off his car. It’s a non-descript Ford. I think it’s brown. A nekkid white dude in a brown Ford with no plates.”

Our driver pulled off the Interstate behind the cop. He cautiously approached the van.

“Everything okay?” he said, probably wondering why in the world a van-load of college girls were turning themselves in to him. Our driver quickly told our tale. The officer worked his mouth cautiously, his eyes dancing the rumba. Clearly, he would be doubled over cackling when we pulled off. Anne and I beat him to it in the back of the van.

“Shut UP, you two,” the girl riding shotgun hissed back at us. My giggles erupted into snorts. The officer turned away from our driver, shoulders shaking.

“This is NOT funny,” she told him.

“It’s funny as HELL,” hollered Anne.

The officer managed to regain some composure and asked for a description of the suspect. The girls up front looked at each other in bewilderment.

“We really didn’t look at him that closely,” said the driver.

“We were repulsed,” said another.

“Those two clowns in the back saw him, though,” added the girl riding shotgun.

“He had dirty blond hair, kind of messy; pale skin,” I said.

“That’s helpful,” said the officer.

“Wait,” said Anne lowering her voice and raising the drama factor. “I will never forget that face. He had evil eyes, squinty and light. He was hairy and paunchy.”

“Paunchy?” I whispered. “What the hell?”

The officer appeared to take notes. “Anything else?”

“Oh, yes,” said Anne, bullshit positively gleaming in her eyes. “He was a VERY SMALL man.”

That did it. The officer, leaned against our van, any semblance of composure gone, and I was rolling in the aisle. Even the tight asses up front had to chuckle a little at that one. The police officer waved us on, and finally, we got our food—Captain D.’s, if you will.


80 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Yousei Hime
    May 08, 2012 @ 04:03:23

    That…was awesome.

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      May 08, 2012 @ 04:57:58

      Glad you liked it:) It was an awesomely fun night:)

      Reply

      • Yousei Hime
        May 08, 2012 @ 05:04:51

        I can tell. I hate to say it, but I probably would have been one of the indignant ones. Glad the cop had a sense of humor.

        I had a guy suggest I flash him once, middle-aged creep in a sports car. There I was with a baby in the car seat next to me driving to see my in-laws. He had to raise his own shirt three times before I finally understood what he was suggesting. (Yes, I was that naive.) I drove straight to the troopers and reported him. They said they couldn’t do anything because he hadn’t really broken a law. Ticks me off just thinking about it. Of course (with the 20/20 rearview thing) I should have just laughed in his face and pounded the steering wheel.

      • Jennifer Worrell
        May 08, 2012 @ 11:08:48

        Laughing at him would have worked…I get why you were creeped. It’s one thing to be on a bus with sixteen girls–another to be alone with your baby…nothing wrong with that:)

  2. According To Mags (@AccordingToMags)
    May 08, 2012 @ 04:20:15

    HAHA!!! NICE! I would have died laughing, too. :)

    Reply

  3. Write Rinse Repeat
    May 08, 2012 @ 04:23:40

    Holy shit! On a field trip in high school, some perv passed our bus and exposed himself to all of us “Future Homemakers of America.” I was scarred for life. We always said, “we had a ball on that trip. And we saw two.”

    Great post!

    Reply

  4. thedudeofthehouse
    May 08, 2012 @ 04:30:08

    “How’s he going to rape ALL of us at 75 miles per hour?” I snorted.
    “Don’t you think that sixteen of us could whip his ass?”

    Hilarious. I assume this is the kind of advanced math that your school gained its academically snooty reputation for teaching :)

    Reply

  5. jadeluxe
    May 08, 2012 @ 04:34:36

    Fun times ;) Ah we’ve all been there. Kind of. I remember playing a game where you had to guess something about the next song on the radio (gender of singer, genre or whatever) and remove clothing if you were wrong. Illegal Car-Strip Poker whoo! (NOTE I DON’T ENDORSE IT AT ALL NOW, to the relief of all drivers I currently share roads with ;)

    Reply

  6. Scott Jung (@WilyGuy)
    May 08, 2012 @ 04:37:51

    What is it about teenage girls? You’re flashing and it’s fun, he’s driving nekkid and he becomes a villain? I’m still laughing.

    On a more serious note I did get road raged by some guys after some girls in my car flashed them.

    WG

    Reply

  7. Reviewer11 (@Reviewer11)
    May 08, 2012 @ 04:46:18

    Yikes!

    Thank you for stopping by my blog. Have a great day! :D

    Reply

  8. TheJackB (@TheJackB)
    May 08, 2012 @ 06:48:43

    And now I can go to bed with a smile on my face. Um, that sounds bad so let me clarify- it was funny. Er, it is funny. Naked guy, small friend, cop.. funny.

    Ok, I am going to just waltz on out of here. Well done.

    Reply

  9. barefoot_med_student
    May 08, 2012 @ 07:56:16

    Oh my greatness, this is so freaking funny! NEKKID!

    Reply

  10. Stephanie
    May 08, 2012 @ 10:32:56

    Bahaha! I have had zero nude highway experiences. My life is obviously lacking.

    Reply

  11. Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms)
    May 08, 2012 @ 11:20:40

    I can’t believe your friend flashed her friend’s dad. That is just the kind of thing that would happen to me. This is a great story, well-told. Love the use of the term nekkid too . Erin

    Reply

  12. Mayor Gia
    May 08, 2012 @ 11:51:03

    Hah! What a story. I’ve never mooned anyone – I’m so unadventurous.

    Reply

  13. Lady Googoogaga
    May 08, 2012 @ 13:03:44

    So funny!!!!

    Reply

  14. kristin
    May 08, 2012 @ 13:41:43

    Great story! Very funny!

    Reply

  15. Katie Ross (@chicknoodlegrav)
    May 08, 2012 @ 15:05:39

    *snort* Hilarious story…and well told!

    Reply

  16. Musings of a Writer Mom
    May 08, 2012 @ 16:16:54

    Loved it – what a great story!

    Reply

  17. christina
    May 08, 2012 @ 16:26:51

    awesome awesome awesome story. i really needed that! :)

    Reply

  18. Delilah
    May 08, 2012 @ 16:36:37

    That was hysterical! I was picturing the whole thing in my head as I was reading and I could not stop laughing!

    Reply

  19. heidi
    May 08, 2012 @ 17:57:56

    Hilarious!! I absolutely loved this. So well told!!

    Reply

  20. Main Street Musings Blog
    May 08, 2012 @ 18:07:21

    My friends and I once whistled at a guy who turned out to be my high school boyfriend’s father, but that sounds real tame compared to your stories!

    Reply

  21. craftcrazygran
    May 08, 2012 @ 20:32:18

    Oh good lord! I’m at “that time of life” when the bladder is not what it used to be, and I’m going to have to be excused. I love your posts! Keep ‘em comin’ x

    Reply

  22. gene3067
    May 08, 2012 @ 23:57:28

    Thanks. I needed a good laugh today. :)

    Reply

  23. Carrie
    May 09, 2012 @ 00:49:05

    This was such a great story. I was very entertained by everything that happened and your writing just brought all the scenes to life! I loved it.And couldn’t help but snicker along with you.

    Reply

  24. Ado
    May 09, 2012 @ 00:51:38

    What year was this? Because I’m sure I was on that same Interstate when nekkid guy came by in the buck! We mooned him too! (-:
    VERY funny.

    Reply

  25. Michelle Longo
    May 09, 2012 @ 01:09:27

    I so wish I was in the car with you all – sounds awesome!!

    Reply

  26. TreadingWaterInTheKiddiePool
    May 09, 2012 @ 02:25:14

    HA! That’s great. Somewhere, some pale, paunchy guy is going to come across this story and say, hey, I remember those girls with the ugly butts!

    Reply

  27. That Unique* Weblog
    May 09, 2012 @ 02:34:55

    paunchy. hairy. blonde. That says it all, really. Awesome story. Love the use of dialogue.

    Reply

  28. Jamie
    May 09, 2012 @ 02:59:46

    Too funny. Makes me think it should be in a movie. Thanks for the laughs. Great story.

    Reply

  29. jamieywrites (@jamieywrites)
    May 09, 2012 @ 06:43:17

    Wow! I can’t imagine the intensity of fun involved!

    Reply

  30. Kathy Kramer
    May 09, 2012 @ 11:56:56

    LOL! This was funny!

    Reply

  31. Kristin Alexander (@SaidKristin)
    May 09, 2012 @ 16:50:40

    LOL at “a nekkid white dude in a brown Ford with no plates.” Seems like a fairly good description to me! ;)

    Reply

  32. Jill, Tales of a Failed Crunchy Mom
    May 09, 2012 @ 17:27:56

    Hilarious. A rapist at 75mph… I lost it there

    Reply

  33. HMM
    May 09, 2012 @ 18:44:30

    omg soo funny! Road trips are the best! “is he gonna rape all 16 of us at 75 mph?” lol…

    Reply

  34. Jackie (@notwifezilla)
    May 10, 2012 @ 01:16:11

    I love the dialogue going on! I can so hear that banter between the girls in my head so clearly. That last bit about his size….just awesome!

    Reply

  35. Adrienne (@TheMommyMess)
    May 10, 2012 @ 01:37:45

    This is hilarious!! ““How’s he going to rape ALL of us at 75 miles per hour?” I snorted. “Don’t you think that sixteen of us could whip his ass?” LOVED THIS!!

    Reply

  36. Dawn Michele (@mooivrouw)
    May 12, 2012 @ 21:45:41

    Bwahahaha. Excellent story. I remember the days of college road trips. Always an adventure.

    Reply

  37. doncarroll
    Jun 04, 2012 @ 01:50:26

    well jenn, that was quite the humorous trail of adventure. i’ve never witnessed any displays like that along the highway. i’ve had some adventures but more in line with the bottle and some ellicits back in the day. someday, i’ll have to pen that out.

    Reply

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