One Hour: Ten Clusters

I happened to glance at the clock the other stormy day before the usual household bedlam broke loose. I distinctly remember seeing 12:00 p.m. sharp. Lil’ P. (son, 15 months) and Lil’ K. (daughter, 4 years) wanted to go outside despite the rain. Correction—I NEEDED to take them outside. Lil’ K. was chasing Lil’ P. around the house with her dragon sword. Lil’ P. had picked up one of Mr. Jenn’s walking sticks and poked it at her, challenging her to a duel. DELIGHTFUL!

  1. 1. I removed both “swords.” Screaming ensued from both parties.

2. Lil’ K. threw a toy and stomped her foot, so she had to go to time out. While I deposited her behind the baby gate in the “Do Better” area on the stairs, Lil’ P. amused himself by climbing the TV stand.

3. Lil’ P. fell off said TV stand. More screaming ensued.

4.  The phone rang. I had dropped it beside the “Do Better” area earlier, so Lil’ K. opted to answer it.

“Mommy is mean and put me in time-out, Daddy. Can’t you do something about this?” she asked the phone. “Daddy       wants to talk to you!” she called. She shoved the baby gate over to hand the phone to me.

Lil’ P. screamed louder, and I was certain he had some sort of head injury. Panic.

5. “Why’s everyone screaming?” Mr. Jenn asked. “What’s going on around there?”

I’ve always tried to keep drama away from Mr. Jenn when he’s out working as a law enforcement officer. I want him to stay focused and safe.

“Oh, the usual,” I said, nonchalantly.  “Lil’ K. got mouthy, and Lil’ P. is mad ‘cause I wouldn’t let him climb the TV. Everything is under control.”

By this time, Lil’ P. had stopped screaming and was unloading the diaper bag I’d left by the back door.  Mr. Jenn seemed satisfied and hung up, just as Lil’ P. gathered all the diapers and threw them across the kitchen.

6.   “Mama!!!!!!” screamed Lil’ K. “Mamamaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Don’t forget me! Can’t you let me up now? I’ll be good, I promise!”

Lil’ K. and I discussed the error of her ways. By the time I got back, Lil’ P. had discovered the diaper rash cream. There appeared to be a little bit around his mouth, but I wasn’t sure if he’d really eaten any.  More panic.

7. I called Poison Control. I pried open Lil’ P.’s mouth to see if he had any diaper rash cream in his teeth. He didn’t seem to. I could tell the Poison Control person was trying not to laugh. Bastard.

8. I suddenly remembered that Lil’ P. probably had a concussion from falling off the TV stand. I reached for him to check his pupils. He had disappeared, and I realize that I’d forgotten to put the gate back on the stairs.  I skidded around the corner and found him on the third step. He turned to wave at me and rolled down. I caught him before he hit the floor. I swore vehemently.

“Don’t say that, Mama,” corrected Lil’ K.

“Dit! Dit! Dit!” laughed Lil’ P. At least he could speak, and his pupils were the same size.

9. Suddenly, Lil’ P. stopped and began to strain. His face turned red, and a smell engulfed us.

“I’ve got to poop, too!” cried Lil’ K., heading for the bathroom.

Dammit. Naturally, they both finished their respective constitutionals at the same time. Lil’ K. was relatively easy to help. WWE or WWF or WTF or whatever they call wrestling these days hasn’t got crap on Lil’ P. He’d probably get crap on them. This particular diaper changing calamity was Pay-Per-View worthy. He flipped himself over and crawled away, but not before I swiped him clean.

10. Lil’ P. stood diaperless in front of the fireplace while Lil’ K. and I looked on.

“Dit!” he cried. “Dit! Dit! Dit!”

He suddenly looked down at himself in surprise, filled with wonder at his maleness and the stream of water coming from it.

“EWWWWWWW! He’s peeing, Mama, look, he’s PEEEEEEEEEIIIIING! EWWWWW!” Lil’ K. helpfully informed me.

I put my head in my hand. Lil’ P. immediately leaped in the middle of the puddle, delighted by the splatter. Suddenly, he slipped and fell in it. I looked at the clock. It was 1:00 and thundering. WTF???

parenting BY dummies

36 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Stacy Uncorked
    May 09, 2012 @ 13:36:22

    OMG you poor thing! Sorry I’m laughing, but you’ve painted the most hilarious picture of what you go through – and that was only an hour! ((HUGZ!))

    The Cockatiel Project

    Reply

  2. crubin
    May 09, 2012 @ 15:16:20

    Oh, how I remember those days. Of course, having 12 and 15 year old boys ensures plenty of chaos, but at least they are in charge of their own bodily functions. Now they just talk about them. At the dinner table…

    Reply

  3. craftcrazygran
    May 09, 2012 @ 15:55:17

    Oh hunny bunny, just as it fades to distant fond memories, the Grandies arrive and bring it all back!I’m going through it all again with the Grandies. It’s still hard, but so worth it! :)

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      May 10, 2012 @ 00:05:36

      I love all this nutball stuff–gives me tons to write about!

      Reply

      • craftcrazygran
        May 10, 2012 @ 16:05:15

        Goodness, I related your tale to hubby and he reminded me of the time our eldest two (around 8 and 6 at the time) had a “sword” fight. Hubby comes from 1) Catering background and 2) farming stock; butchering our own meat. My father was a butcher. We have a fine collection of LARGE, LONG butchers knives. Guess their weapons of choice????!!!!

      • Jennifer Worrell
        May 10, 2012 @ 23:30:14

        I’m hyperventilating…seriously? Butcher knives? ARRRRRGH! I like our plastic light-up dragon swords in comparison…shew!!!

  4. andiemultiplemama
    May 09, 2012 @ 16:55:00

    I once got called into the office when my 4 yr old preschooler said Dammit at school. As I sat the with two yr old twins swirling around the office, and a baby in my belly, I nodded smiled and thought, “What the HELL? I don’t think I’m doing all that badly if that is the only damn bad word he knows…” OK so it was a church school, but surely GOD understands. Right?
    HUGS to you!

    Reply

  5. gigoid
    May 09, 2012 @ 19:12:11

    Don’t panic… you can always show this to them when they are teenagers… or worse, threaten to show it to their respective boy/girl friends… :-) Also, it’s already Wednesday, so… oh, wait, that’s right, no days off…. oh, well, good luck dear…. :-)

    Reply

  6. the howler and me
    May 09, 2012 @ 21:40:18

    Oh good grief! I hope they calmed down for you eventually.

    Reply

  7. chapterfourfivesix
    May 10, 2012 @ 00:24:19

    You’re a stronger woman than me. I would run and hide at the first deuce, haha. Great story!

    Reply

  8. Susi K (@BocaFrau)
    May 10, 2012 @ 01:09:38

    that was too funny. I’m sure you didn’t think so at the time but from my side of the screen it was hilarious. So glad those days are behind me. :)

    Reply

  9. Yousei Hime
    May 10, 2012 @ 02:38:42

    deja vu. I’m momentarily grateful mine are 15 and 18. Momentarily. ;) You always bring me chuckles. In case you’re interested in reading, comparing, or just laughing, I thought you might enjoy this site: http://chroniclesofdad.wordpress.com/ Good stuff and also has a wicked sense of humor.

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      May 10, 2012 @ 02:54:24

      I checked out the blog and loved it! Great suggestion! Also like the tunes you told me about!

      Reply

      • Yousei Hime
        May 10, 2012 @ 03:00:36

        You did???? Guess what. That was a group my son was in. They had a falling out (ah youth), but he was responsible for the lyrics and melody of most of those songs. :D Still proud of his talent even though he can be an idiot. (Fallen off which tree?)

      • Jennifer Worrell
        May 10, 2012 @ 03:02:07

        Talented kid!

      • Yousei Hime
        May 10, 2012 @ 03:08:25

        That’s him singing lead too. Yep he’s overflowing with talent and seriously deficient in common sense.

      • Yousei Hime
        May 10, 2012 @ 03:02:15

        That last comment, regarding my son, was about the music. I have no personal connections to the blogging dad. I just love his sarcasm and humor. It makes me feel so much better to read about someone else suffering through parenthood. Wonder what that says about me. ;)

  10. Stacey
    May 10, 2012 @ 04:50:35

    Oh you had me giggling! I know it wasn’t funny at the time, but you definitely tell it like it is. I suppose I can also laugh because I have had that day!! Great list!

    Reply

  11. doncarroll
    May 10, 2012 @ 09:34:24

    the sword duel…is that a police academy trick…*L*…JK. i’m safe i’m out of state….i think. very funny all throughout this. it appears that mr.jenn does need to stay focused, but it is ok for him to be unfocused if i were to ever travel through his jurisdiction so i don’t get a speeding ticket…*L*. always look forward to your creatives….:)

    Reply

  12. Robbie
    May 10, 2012 @ 13:24:40

    oooooh boy do i remember those days! hopefully your next hour was a little more mellow?

    Reply

  13. Teresha@ Marlie and Me
    May 10, 2012 @ 16:23:16

    So what you are saying is that life with two kids does not get better as they get older? Lord, help me! I have an almost 3 yr old and a 1.5 month old and my days are filled with screaming and crying. I want to stab myself in the ears sometimes just to hear quiet.

    Reply

  14. Stasha
    May 10, 2012 @ 16:44:51

    Sounds like a fun house. Your husband must be guttered to have to go to work every morning ;)
    You are one of the best humor writers in blogosphere. Not that I wish you days like this all the time. But your rash cream eating kiddos make for great fun( for us).

    Reply

  15. Katherine
    May 14, 2012 @ 15:46:44

    you made me giggle with this one, sorry but you knew it would make us laugh. Hugs my friend all around! xo P.S. have you entered my new giveaway yet?

    Reply

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