Ballet, Boogers, and a Crackhead Dog

Last Saturday night marked Lil’ K.’s indoctrination into the world of Lycra, bobby pins, and public performance. Her very first ballet recital reeked of a Dance Moms episode but with less money, make-up, and maternal rage. The drama ran about the same as I predicted it would here and here.

Parks and Rec Ballet Recital Day in my town begins with a dress rehearsal the morning of the Big Night. This gives all the moms a chance to practice the curling and pinning necessary for this momentous event as well as give tragedy the opportunity to strike as it almost did us in the form of our beloved crackhead beagle.  Lil’ K. was sporting an amazing array of boing-boing curls and shiny new pink tights as I carried her to her car seat for safe keeping. I had already strapped Lil’ P. in when I noticed that a green booger the size of Utah had suddenly taken up residence on his face. I quickly headed around to the front seat of my truck, dug through carefully poofed costume and hair accoutrements, and produced a pack of Boogie Wipes. I flarked up and left the front truck door open as I hurried around the other side to get rid of the growing gob. As Lil’ P. pitched a royal fit, shaking his head and booger everywhere because he likes to keep his nose creations on display, I noticed the crackhead dog jumping up into the front seat onto the sacred ballet costume with muddy feet. I swore at her so loudly that the earth shook.

“Don’t say that, Mama,” said Lil’ K.

“Sum bit, sum bit, sum bit,” Lil’ P. cried from behind the wipe which I still had attached to his booger.

The damn dog attempted to snatch and run with a ballet shoe, but the open ballet bag gave way and spilled combs, extra tights, shoes, and bobby pins all over the floor of the truck and the ground. With aerial precision that would have rivaled a Barnum and Bailey production, I dove over the seat, placing my now-booger covered body between the dog and the costume. I yanked the ballet shoe back to safety and snarled at Crackhead with such alpha dog viciousness that she took off with her tail between her legs.

I then found myself stuck. With both feet in my children’s face and my ass wedged in between the two front seats, I realized, with great regret, that pin curling practice had stressed me to the point that I had  eaten about a half-dozen cookies the previous night. From my awkward vantage point, I surveyed the damage to the costume. With a sigh of relief—a small sigh, mind you, as I was too jammed to have room to draw a breath gusty enough to herald my gratitude to the Lycra gods—I noted that all dirt marks were on the inside of the costume. I wiped them off easily with a Boogie Wipe. The pink coating on the underside of the toe of Lil’ K.’s ballet shoe had peeled back slightly, but no one would notice.

“Thank you, God, thank you, God, thank you, God!” I said. I swear I thought I heard some Universal laughter in response. I’ve always suspected that God has an infinite sense of humor, and spastic mothers like myself must provide Him with hours of entertainment.

“Amen, amen, amen,” sang Lil’ P. from the backseat, cackling mightily. He must have thought I was saying the blessing, and he loves to insert his two cents at the end.

“Mama, your butt is up in the air,” noted Lil’ K. helpfully.

“Butt, butt, butt, poot!” howled Lil’ P.

“Mama, are you stuck?” asked Lil’ K., suddenly awash with touching concern. “How will we get to my ballet recital?”

“Mama will figure this out,” I told her. “She always manages to get us where we need to be, right?”

“Yeah, but your butt usually isn’t on the ceiling of the truck,” she pointed out.

“True dat!” I answered. Uncharacteristic grace had gotten me into this position, but I had a feeling that nothing short of screaming awkwardness would get me out. I tried humping the console to wiggle myself out, and that gave me enough leverage to grab the glove box handle. I rocked back and forth on my belly with such force that I flipped myself over and up, cracking my head against the light in the ceiling and knocking the dome loose. The center console groaned beneath my weight as my momentum carried me across Lil’ K.’s lap, out the door, and onto the ground. Oof.

“Nice one, Mama,” said Lil’ K.

Crackhead rushed over from whatever mudhole she’d been inhabiting since I swore at her and began licking my face. Apparently she’d been eating something dead near the mudhole. Delish.

I finally cleaned myself up enough to get to the rehearsal. Mrs. B., my daughter’s dance teacher, handed me the list of girls in her class and reminded me that I’d agreed to sit with all fifteen three- and four-year old girls and get them to the stage on time for their performance. I thought of the last hour of my existence and cackled.  I looked at the row of girls in pink poof awaiting direction in their folding auditorium seats. One girl was lying prostrate on her seat, both feet up in the air and her coiffed head resting on the floor. Another child had folded herself up in the seat, both legs spread eagled. Still another was screaming because she had somehow wedged her legs behind the chair while rocking up and down on the folding seat. I heard Universal laughter all around this complete holy shit affair. Clearly, God was in for another howling good time at my expense. Come back tomorrow, and I’ll let you know what happens.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

63 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Delilah
    May 22, 2012 @ 04:53:06

    Oh man. I’m picturing this in my head and it’s hysterical….hahahahaha! I so wish this was on video. That would be priceless…

    Reply

  2. Carrie
    May 22, 2012 @ 05:16:17

    LOL. Your stories are always hilarious. I love that you call your dog crackhead. Awesome! I hope your daughter had as much fun watching you get unstuck as she did dancing! :D

    Reply

  3. Robbie
    May 22, 2012 @ 06:04:32

    hysterical…and sounds like something that would happen to me. Also your dog looks totally sweet..sure you weren’t just looking for a scape dog? :)

    Reply

  4. Pish Posh
    May 22, 2012 @ 06:17:53

    Aw, your dog looks amazing. He just wants to make you happy. Sometimes he does the wrong thing. He’s so pretty though.

    Reply

  5. craftcrazygran
    May 22, 2012 @ 11:55:55

    Oy Vey! The pictures in my head!!!!

    Reply

  6. tara pohlkotte
    May 22, 2012 @ 16:02:15

    amazing! haha. yes. there’s a America’s Funniest Video’s room in heaven i’m sure. except Jesus stands there and says “watch this!” – - I’m sure of it :)

    {as someone who danced for 12 years. i feel every inch of this pain.}

    Reply

  7. Mayor Gia
    May 22, 2012 @ 16:40:07

    Hahhahah poor doggy just wanted to have some fun! Sounds like a debacle.

    Reply

  8. TreadingWaterInTheKiddiePool
    May 22, 2012 @ 17:33:38

    This is great. Sounds like my life. And your little one sounds like quite the comic!

    Reply

  9. TheJackB (@TheJackB)
    May 22, 2012 @ 17:55:22

    Love the dog and this line especially,

    but with less money, make-up, and maternal rage.

    Reply

  10. Katie Ross (@chicknoodlegrav)
    May 22, 2012 @ 21:55:45

    Ha! I could picture this the whole way through. I think my favorite part was you diving into the front seat to save the day.

    Reply

  11. Dawn Beronilla
    May 22, 2012 @ 21:58:12

    Hilarious as always!
    I’m going to make my husband read this the next time he talks about getting a dog. ;-)

    Reply

  12. Shannon (@VanderLovely)
    May 22, 2012 @ 22:34:30

    Oh my goodness. I’m sure Crackhead must have some redeeming qualities. Thank heaven for Boogie Wipes! Very funny, thanks!

    Reply

  13. Scott Jung (@WilyGuy)
    May 22, 2012 @ 23:39:56

    Righteous fun stuff Jenn!
    WG

    Reply

  14. Jay- Dude of the House
    May 23, 2012 @ 00:30:27

    I never knew that Boogie Wipes were so versatile. I think you should get an endorsement deal with them.

    Reply

  15. doncarroll
    May 23, 2012 @ 00:50:49

    well, i’m glad that you had some dog entertainment to pass along. pets are great as long as they are peoples pets. trust me, the situation i had involving (not my pet) in my place was not entertaining. but you might find it entertaining however…*L*

    Reply

  16. According To Mags (@AccordingToMags)
    May 23, 2012 @ 01:42:24

    You are so funny! This is a hilarious visual.

    Reply

  17. Vanessa
    May 23, 2012 @ 02:03:55

    Beagles are demon dogs hiding in a sweetie pie exterior.

    Kind of reminds me of the 2 years I spent crawling from the back seat of the van up to the drivers side seat, due to the broken door handle I couldn’t afford to replace. I always tried to make it look like it was because I was buckling a toddler into a car seat, even if they weren’t with me…

    Reply

  18. Sarcasm Goddess
    May 23, 2012 @ 04:09:05

    OMG too funny!! I love how your kids provide commentary. Loved this!

    Reply

  19. Lemonade Lady
    May 23, 2012 @ 05:00:22

    I love the comic relief in the detail and I think most moms have had moments like this … it’s just a matter of being able to write it down in an amazing way, which you have … :)

    Reply

  20. Write Rinse Repeat
    May 23, 2012 @ 17:36:30

    This made my day. Maybe not yours, but it made mine.

    Reply

  21. aprilviv
    May 23, 2012 @ 18:37:55

    Ha ha that was hilarious. I closed my car door on my seat belt the other day and could not get the door to open. Climbing across I got my foot stuck and the more I tried to get myself unstuck the worse it got.

    Reply

  22. That Unique* Weblog
    May 23, 2012 @ 22:15:24

    A room full of laughter can’t be all bad. Loved this story of your misery!

    Reply

  23. suzy016
    May 24, 2012 @ 00:31:19

    yes: boogie wipes solve all problems. also, this was funny, funny, funny as hell. thanks!

    Reply

  24. Emma
    May 24, 2012 @ 01:04:16

    Sometimes, I’ll find myself laughing in the middle of such occasions. Totally inappropriate and ill-timed, but I just have to laugh–otherwise, I’d cry!

    Reply

  25. Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms)
    May 24, 2012 @ 01:56:07

    Truth is better than fiction. You couldn’t make this up! Funny. Erin

    Reply

  26. AidanDonnelleyRowley (@ADonnRowley)
    May 24, 2012 @ 14:33:16

    Thank you for the smile. Happy to have clicked over.

    Reply

  27. Jill, Tales of a Failed Crunchy Mom
    May 24, 2012 @ 18:35:06

    So funny! My parents have a crazy beagle. She is…not the brightest to say the least.

    Reply

  28. Adrienne (@TheMommyMess)
    May 24, 2012 @ 21:48:59

    I love that she’s worried how she will get to the recital! Haha!

    Reply

  29. Jackie (@notwifezilla)
    May 25, 2012 @ 00:30:06

    I love this, and I must say. I am thanking God my 4 yo prefers soccer & softball!

    Reply

  30. judysp
    Jun 15, 2012 @ 03:24:42

    What an amazing blog. I am a follower now and look forward to your next post. Thank you for liking my blog judysp.wordpress.com I appreciate the support. cheers Judy :)

    Reply

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