Why Couldn’t It Have Been A Stick?

My favorite time to jog is just after the sun dips behind the trees and just before the stars pepper the darkness. Peace and joy fill me to brimming at this point in the day. Apparently, the venomous snakes in the area feel the same way.

The other night as I returned home from my jiggle down the tractor path through the neighboring soybean field, I noticed a strange stick beside our driveway. It moved. Additionally, my “stick” sported an alternating copper and brown pattern. I backed up faster than my colon at the mention of string cheese.

Since I found myself two-tenths of a mile away from my house, husband, cell phone and some snake shot, I had a problem to solve. Could I tiptoe around this poisonous critter? Since it was ambling across the path, I guessed that it would eventually get out of the way so I could pass.

As I prepared to execute my superhero leap over the snake, I swore viciously as yet another copperhead emerged from the weeds. Together, both snakes stretched the entire width of my driveway.  I picked up a stick and threw it at them, but neither animal seemed to notice. I tried a rock–no response. I jumped up and down screaming, but the snakes couldn’t have cared less. By this time, Hercules couldn’t have driven a ten-penny nail up my butt with a ball peen hammer. It wasn’t until I breathed my blood pressure into submission that I realized why these creatures found me so insignificant. The two snakes were laying pipe in my driveway.

I felt like I should avert my eyes. When the second snake had sufficiently coiled itself around the first snake, I decided I’d better make my move. I sped behind the happy couple at a rate guaranteed to reduce my ass by half if I could maintain the pace for the entire duration of the herpetological porno unfolding in my driveway.

I didn’t stop until I landed breathlessly in my living room. I’m still not sure if my feet ever touched the ground. Between gasps, I explained to my husband why I had an overwhelming urge to wash my eyes out with bleach.

Naturally, he howled.

“Now, maybe you’ll listen to me when I tell you to take your phone when you go do that shuffling thing you do up the driveway!” he managed to say between cackles.

Humph. I guess if I want “compassion,” I’ll have to look in the dictionary between “Chlamydia” and “copulation.”

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

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56 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Spiritual World Traveler
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 04:00:31

    Hilarious!

    Reply

  2. MinivanMomma
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 04:13:48

    This! This reason alone: This is why I do not go for walks when we go visit my in-laws who live approximately 35 minutes from everywhere. I’m wondering, however, how you kept from peeing your pants? That’s always first on my to-do list when I spy snakes.

    Reply

  3. Smaktakula
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 06:35:25

    Yikes! The only kinds of poisonous snakes we have here try to give you advance warning. Butvwhen you live in farmland, aren’t nasty critters part of the charm?

    Reply

  4. doncarroll
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 10:25:45

    this is not a fun story, but i liked your reference of snakes laying pipe – actually that was great. i’m with you on this one, but maybe even more than you. i hate them things so much that if one wrapped around me i’d shaking like a 5.6 on the richter scale.

    Reply

  5. meizac
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 11:30:57

    You could have grabbed a book and gone back out to read them a few pages from 50 Shades. Might have set the tone nicely for them….

    Reply

  6. welcometothemotherhood
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 13:59:52

    This is why I live in the city! Thanks for the laughs!!!

    Reply

  7. sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:00:22

    Oh, my gosh, we have issues with snakes too. So funny. Love the funny metaphor about your colon! Erin

    Reply

  8. 50peach
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:02:52

    whoa. But I love how you refer to your running “jog”, “jiggle”, and “shuffle”. :)

    Reply

  9. crubin
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:08:42

    You deserve only sunshine and pretty colors after having to witness that. At this moment, I can’t think of anything more disturbing.

    Very clever writing and a fun read. :)

    Reply

  10. Carrie
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 15:14:54

    “herpetological porno” best line ever. LOL. Thanks for the awesome visual and I’m very glad you managed to dodge those snakes while still getting in good exercise (and also that you didnt get bitten)!

    Reply

  11. jwilliams057
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 15:22:53

    Perfectly hilarious. I would have been just as freaked out as you. Don’t snakes know to do their business out in the bushes where we can’t see?

    Side story, in the spring we took our girl scouts for a day camp at a local state park. They were giving a reptile lecture that day so we took the girls over to listen in. The lecture was very good except for one part. The instructor decided to teach the kids that copperheads, water moccasins, and rattlesnakes really aren’t mean, but are gentle creatures that you should just ignore. My girls got a different lesson as soon as we got back to camp.

    Reply

  12. iasoupmama
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 15:24:58

    Yikes! My next step would have been to drive over them repeatedly until I was sure that they (and all the baby snakes they were making) were driveway paste. Yikes!!

    Reply

  13. jesterqueen (@jesterqueen)
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 16:58:07

    Oh my GOD. I’d have been terrified. I’m not afraid of snakes. I’m rather fascinated by them. But I have limits. And walking over a venomous one? No. Not in my job description. As soon as the second one showed up, I’d have been just SURE I’d landed in a den somehow. I would have gone to the neighbor’s (even if that meant a six mile hike) rather than risk finding the rest of the clan in the bushes.

    Reply

  14. Stephanie Brennan (@B4Steph)
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 17:20:13

    Who knew copulating snakes could be so entertaining? I run across these “sticks” fairly often living in my rural area. But I’ve never witnessed any of them “laying pipe.” Funny stuff…

    Reply

  15. El Guapo
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 17:56:14

    I can’t believe you didn’t enjoy your commune with nature.
    I mean, I’m only getting it second hand, and I think it’s great! ;)

    Reply

  16. Tessa
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 18:20:25

    Laying Pipe? LoL! Funny! A great read as usual. We didn’t have venomous snakes where we lived in the woods by the lake, but we did have quite a few snakes in the water or on the beach. My ex-husband would either take a shovel to them or shoot them. Me? I just stayed away. Do NOT like snakes!!!

    Reply

  17. justbeginfromhere
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 19:57:11

    So funny! I have never heard the expression “laying pipe” – hilarious!

    Reply

  18. craftcrazygran
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 20:06:14

    Oh my gosh, I LOVE your blog! ;D!

    Reply

  19. gene3067
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 23:11:26

    Ok. After that he get’s stuck with a mid Eighties, 2wd Mitsubishi Mighty Max pickup.

    Reply

  20. sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms
    Jul 04, 2012 @ 01:39:28

    Pure gold as exemplified by this turn of phrase: “at a rate guaranteed to reduce my ass by half if I could maintain the pace for the entire duration of the herpetological porno unfolding in my driveway.” Bwahaha! Ellen

    Reply

  21. Annabelle
    Jul 04, 2012 @ 01:40:43

    Ha ha ha. I think I would have been torn between screaming and stopping to watch. Does that make me a perv or a naturalist?

    Reply

  22. A Place of Greater Safety
    Jul 04, 2012 @ 03:51:03

    My favorite part is the final line. :)

    Reply

  23. Joseph Cereola
    Jul 04, 2012 @ 05:25:03

    Snakes “laying pipe” and “herpetological porno,” that made my evening.

    Reply

  24. raisingivy
    Jul 04, 2012 @ 10:41:49

    So funny. We live in the hills of Central Texas among snakes galore; I know I will think of this post all summer as I tiptoe among them!

    Reply

  25. Stephanie
    Jul 04, 2012 @ 17:25:28

    Hahaha! Sweet, sweet snake love.

    Reply

  26. Michelle Longo
    Jul 05, 2012 @ 01:36:07

    Oh my goodness! I once ran afoul a snake and I thought I was tough until that moment. Two of them? I’d have died. At least they put on a show for you!

    Reply

  27. Dawn Beronilla
    Jul 05, 2012 @ 03:47:53

    Oh I don’t know how you managed to take a subject that terrifies most people and turn it into a hilarious tale of porn.
    Hahaha, snake porn!
    5o shades of copper and brown!
    Haha!
    Great job!

    Reply

  28. English Rose-C
    Jul 05, 2012 @ 11:42:05

    Hilarious, educational and a master class in phraseology. I’m so glad I found your blog!!
    Next time (chuckle) make Mr Jenn go out and watch…or make him read 50 Shades to them…double duty!! Bwahaha
    PS: Glad you’re safe…just think of how many calories the shaking is burning….

    Reply

  29. hughcurtler
    Jul 17, 2012 @ 15:32:52

    Delightful. Only you could turn a frightening experience into a comedy. Well done!

    Reply

  30. Lynn A. Davidson
    Jul 19, 2012 @ 14:30:25

    Thanks for visiting my blog, Jennifer. This is my first time here and this post is hilarious!

    Reply

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