When Vampires Screw Around

It looks like the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart, AKA Edward and Bella, has finally shit the bed. Stewart, of Twilight fame, got caught groping her director, Rupert Sanders, from Snow White and the Huntsman. Funny thing: the director happened to be married to Liberty Ross, the woman who played the evil stepmother in the same movie.

This whole scandal makes me snort on MANY different levels. First, there’s the obvious stepmother/stepdaughter fairy tale irony about which I wrote here and here. What a screwy little love triangle! It would be sort of funny in a weird way if Ross and Sanders didn’t have two little kids.

The next snort-worthy part of all this is that ol’ K-Stew just broke the hearts of millions of young girls who think that Edward/Bella—R-Pat/K-Stew symbolizes the hope of fairy-tale perfect relationships. Actually, young girls aren’t the only ones swimming in this lovely illusion—look at all of us hiding behind our copies of 50 Shades of Grey, which began as Twilight fan fiction. Apparently, crusty old women get off on that whole prince/white horse bullshit, too. When are we girls going to figure out that fairy-tale fantasies generally don’t apply to real life? Marriage (gasp!) requires work; some days it’s amazing, and other times it’s downright shitty. It’s worth it, though.

However, when we attach ourselves to the perfect prince/pretty horse bullshit, we usually end up with a jackass humping a brown pony. It goes the other way, too, as R-Pat found when he opened up his copy of People. Princess, my ass. Apparently, his little fantasy was wearing a blinking Dollar Store crown and riding a sheep.

Really, you can’t blame Kristen but so much. Those of us on Team Edward might profess to love R-Pat forever, but can you imagine dealing with that pasty-looking thing from age 22 on? He only sparkles on the big screen, people. In real life, that boy needs a little sun. And for the love of God, someone buy him a hairbrush. It’s bad enough to bang a vampire on the big screen, but who wants to do one in real life?

Despite the split between Bella and Edward, we still have one last Twilight movie to go. Even if we don’t see Pattinson and Stewart discussing their wedding on the cover of OK or some other esteemed publication, we can still get our individual rocks off on all that vampire love one last time this fall. Guess it’s a good thing they filmed the Breaking Dawns back to back. Somehow I don’t think all the vampire sex and sniveling would be as believable now that Robert and Kristen have come unbenefitted.

So please, Twi-hards, quit making weepy Youtube videos expressing your frustration, disbelief, and horror that Kristen Stewart has opted to enjoy the smorgasbord of delicious young men in Hollywood rather than hitch up with Rob. It’s not like he can’t get himself a piece. So, Twilight fans, for the love of all that’s holy, get a life. I don’t want to watch all this break-up crap anymore on TV. I need those entertainment television shows to put their focus back on important things, like Snookie’s baby or Scientology and the art of the guerrilla divorce. Snort!

The pic above came from http://www.morguefile.com. This is an excellent site for pictures. In fact, most of my pictures come from that site because they are free for any sort of use. 

36 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mylifeisthebestlife
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 14:35:50

    AMEN!

    Reply

  2. Sword-chinned bitch
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 14:36:30

    I admit it. I’m a Twi-head. I’m 50 in November. I have a date with my lesbian friend every year to see the Twilight movies. No, we aren’t dating. But what an interesting set of Twi-heads we make, huh? I got the laugh of my life day before yesterday, passing by one of those newspaper boxes. The cover of the NY Daily News said in relation to this Hollywood ‘tragedy': Trampire! Ahahahaha, ha hahahahahahaaaa! I glad you wrote about this. K-Stew, the Trampire! Ahahahahahahahaaa!!!!

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Jul 27, 2012 @ 16:25:59

      I missed that one!!! I am so glad you brought it to my attention because that is some funny shit! I love that you’re a Twi-head. I kind of like it, too. I get the fascination…

      Reply

  3. Carrie Rubin
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 15:14:48

    I suspect the tabloids are in publication heaven right about now. How many covers do you think this story will land on? I always worry about people who write into these magazines and say they’re “devastated” over these types of things. I bet there’ll be a letter like that in People next week. I was 21 once, and yet I don’t recall ever being “devastated” by a celebrity breakup. :)

    Reply

  4. El Guapo
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 16:03:32

    I’m tempted to go for the easy joke, and say R-Stew/Pat is short for “are stupid”, but I have so little interest in the story that it isn’t even worth the effort.
    I do generally hope they (and everyone else) are eventually happy though.
    Now excuse me, I’m going to go tell my girl I love her.

    Reply

  5. Kelly Fox
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 16:41:44

    My own life has had so much drama that theirs ‘pales’ (lol, and a smirk) in comparison..And RPat, even twinkly does nothing for me. Sparkels? ppfft! Fuck Sparkles! Can he fix my car? Build me something? Make my ass dinner? Compliment me when I make dinner? Curl my toes? Nope.
    But, I loved reading about about it because you made it funny as hell!

    Reply

  6. meizac
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 17:27:08

    Admittedly, I don’t “get” the whole Twilight/Fifty Shades of Grey thing. I really don’t. I’ve no desire to read the books, see the movies, etc., regardless of how much my friends try to convince me. What I do enjoy – A GREAT DEAL – is reading posts like this and Speaker7’s. You guys write some funny shit about this.

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Jul 27, 2012 @ 18:03:51

      Thanks! I’m going to head over to Speaker7’s to check it out. I don’t blame you for shying away from all the hype, but it is fodder for some sort of satiric hilarity or something;)

      Reply

  7. changeforbetterme
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 17:50:46

    well I am in meizac’s camp I’m afraid. I don’t get the Twilight thing either. And really don’t get 50 shades of grey! I mean really……..I haven’t read the books…nor seen the movies….I think I’m in a minority here. As for celebrity break ups or who’s sleeping with whom….who really cares??? Now if some celebrity was sleeping with me I might consider my stance….Ha!

    Reply

  8. gigoid
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 19:21:04

    Nice post, I think…. I mean, it is a good post, it’s just that I am very happy to be able to say, honestly, that my only reaction, other than liking the humorous tone, was to think to myself, “Who ARE all these people? And why do we care about who they bang? Did they do this in the Oval Office? Post photos on Twitter?”….. ;-) Interested parties want to know….

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Jul 27, 2012 @ 20:08:23

      They apparently did it in a park beneath the prying lenses of some money-hungry paparazzi. I don’t know of any public copulation in the White House since the Clinton Administration. Some seem to doubt the validity of that fact, unless you interview the cigar. These people really are of no consequence to anyone except the million or so females that are stalking their every move…But you are so correct–WHY DO WE CARE ????????? Scary, huh?

      Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Jul 27, 2012 @ 20:08:23

      They apparently did it in a park beneath the prying lenses of some money-hungry paparazzi. I don’t know of any public copulation in the White House since the Clinton Administration. Some seem to doubt the validity of that fact, unless you interview the cigar. These people really are of no consequence to anyone except the million or so females that are stalking their every move…But you are so correct–WHY DO WE CARE ????????? Scary, huh?

      Reply

  9. saradraws
    Jul 28, 2012 @ 18:04:34

    Wait. So which one is a vampire?

    Reply

  10. Annabelle
    Jul 30, 2012 @ 11:59:09

    I am totally blown away by the weepy videos. I mean, even aside from actually CARING that much about a celeb relationship, are these girls not going to be amazingly embarrassed by this in a year or two?

    Reply

  11. braintomahawk
    Jul 30, 2012 @ 17:44:28

    It completely went the other way than I thought. I figured they would be glad to have him single, it improved their odds a little bit (one in a billion to maybe one in 9,321,364.14)

    Reply

  12. doncarroll
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 17:01:52

    i haven’t heard anything about this as still being down here in carolina. interesting for sure. as to the fantasy type thing i surely do agree with you. nice piece here:) leaving carolina on friday.

    Reply

  13. Earth2Body Sisters
    Aug 02, 2012 @ 00:32:25

    OMG! I’m almost ashamed to say it…but I’ve never seen the movies and probably won’t. My sister on the other hand will totally LOVE your post! Thanks for stopping by our blog too. ;-) We’ll be back! Lisa

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 154 other followers

%d bloggers like this: