When Vampires Screw Around

It looks like the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart, AKA Edward and Bella, has finally shit the bed. Stewart, of Twilight fame, got caught groping her director, Rupert Sanders, from Snow White and the Huntsman. Funny thing: the director happened to be married to Liberty Ross, the woman who played the evil stepmother in the same movie.

This whole scandal makes me snort on MANY different levels. First, there’s the obvious stepmother/stepdaughter fairy tale irony about which I wrote here and here. What a screwy little love triangle! It would be sort of funny in a weird way if Ross and Sanders didn’t have two little kids.

The next snort-worthy part of all this is that ol’ K-Stew just broke the hearts of millions of young girls who think that Edward/Bella—R-Pat/K-Stew symbolizes the hope of fairy-tale perfect relationships. Actually, young girls aren’t the only ones swimming in this lovely illusion—look at all of us hiding behind our copies of 50 Shades of Grey, which began as Twilight fan fiction. Apparently, crusty old women get off on that whole prince/white horse bullshit, too. When are we girls going to figure out that fairy-tale fantasies generally don’t apply to real life? Marriage (gasp!) requires work; some days it’s amazing, and other times it’s downright shitty. It’s worth it, though.

However, when we attach ourselves to the perfect prince/pretty horse bullshit, we usually end up with a jackass humping a brown pony. It goes the other way, too, as R-Pat found when he opened up his copy of People. Princess, my ass. Apparently, his little fantasy was wearing a blinking Dollar Store crown and riding a sheep.

Really, you can’t blame Kristen but so much. Those of us on Team Edward might profess to love R-Pat forever, but can you imagine dealing with that pasty-looking thing from age 22 on? He only sparkles on the big screen, people. In real life, that boy needs a little sun. And for the love of God, someone buy him a hairbrush. It’s bad enough to bang a vampire on the big screen, but who wants to do one in real life?

Despite the split between Bella and Edward, we still have one last Twilight movie to go. Even if we don’t see Pattinson and Stewart discussing their wedding on the cover of OK or some other esteemed publication, we can still get our individual rocks off on all that vampire love one last time this fall. Guess it’s a good thing they filmed the Breaking Dawns back to back. Somehow I don’t think all the vampire sex and sniveling would be as believable now that Robert and Kristen have come unbenefitted.

So please, Twi-hards, quit making weepy Youtube videos expressing your frustration, disbelief, and horror that Kristen Stewart has opted to enjoy the smorgasbord of delicious young men in Hollywood rather than hitch up with Rob. It’s not like he can’t get himself a piece. So, Twilight fans, for the love of all that’s holy, get a life. I don’t want to watch all this break-up crap anymore on TV. I need those entertainment television shows to put their focus back on important things, like Snookie’s baby or Scientology and the art of the guerrilla divorce. Snort!

The pic above came from http://www.morguefile.com. This is an excellent site for pictures. In fact, most of my pictures come from that site because they are free for any sort of use.