To pass the time, I’ve devised a list of situations in which waiting sucks major balls.
- For a baby when you can’t have one
- For your 21st birthday when all your friends are shitfaced at the bar and you’re stuck with the car keys, drinking a Diet Coke, and wearing a lame-assed purple wrist band
- For a tow truck when your hooptie has dumped you on the side of a sketchy road in a flarking thunderstorm.
- A seat in the ladies room at Lilith Fair
- The season premiere of Big Bang Theory
- Twiddling my thumbs while the dog examines every blade of grass to analyze its crapworthiness when it’s snowing/raining/lightning/hot as hell/colder than a witch’s tit in a meatlocker
- For Christian Grey to pull out the big guns and do something exciting in Fifty Shades of Grey—Jesus, I’m finished with the third book, and I’m still trying to figure what all the fuss is about.
- Summer vacation
- Waiting for Aunt Flo to deliver her monthly gift after a teenaged indiscretion
- Waiting for Aunt Flo to arrive after ANY indiscretion
- For the sharks to eat those stupid diver people in the movie Open Water
- For someone to post bail (oooooops!)
- For Election 2012 to be over so we don’t have to listen to mud-slinging campaign ads where Mitt Romney sings patriotic songs.
- Dilation and effacement
- For the milk to come in
- For the walls of one’s vagina to knit back together after the miracle of birth
- The first constitutional after an episiotomy.
- For your migraine/happy/downer/upper/erectile dysfunction pills to kick in
- For the damn cookies to come out of the oven
Not all of these apply to me, I swear–at least not the jail one. I have to tell you that because my mom reads this. SHHHHHH!