Horny Farmers Unite!

Mr. Jenn and I just learned about a new on-line dating site called Farmersonly.com for farmers, ranchers, and other people who live in the sticks. I saw the advertisement for this Country Folk Web Oasis on Animal Planet between an episode of Call of the Wildman and Hillbilly Handfishin’. If you aren’t familiar with these two shows, let me enlighten you. Call of the Wildman is about this guy called “Turtle Man” who removes people’s nuisance snakes, turtles, gators, and arma-frickin’-dillos humanely. On this particular episode, he was swimming around after an alligator snapping turtle in murky swamp water. Apparently, he doesn’t value his arms, legs, or his penis, but he’s kind of cute in his little hat and his funny little animal calls. If he’s on the Internet market, “Turtle Man’s” profile on Farmersonly.com is probably pinging off the hook.

Hillbilly Handfishin’ is about “noodlin’” where you hang around in lakes catching ginormous catfish by sticking your bare hand beneath submerged rocks. The fish bites down on your arm and sucks your hand into the back of its throat. You use the suction to drag the poor creature to the surface while trying to keep all your digits intact. If you have the ovaries or the sack for this intriguing method of fish harvesting, you can photograph yourself with your bloody hand and trophy fish and post it on Farmersonly.com. I know some redneck somewhere is going to want a big, fat juicy piece of that.

Now, I have to say, that I hooked me a farmer eleven years ago in the local Wal-Mart. I was stroking a dog bone when he asked me out. Mr. Jenn didn’t try out any “farmerish” lines on me, though. We discussed the whole pick-up line thing after we saw the advertisement for Farmers Only. Here are a few that we thought would help someone’s 21st century farmer profile along.

  1. God, I love your tomatoes!
  2. Hey Baby! Want to plug your iPod up to the console in my combine?
  3. Let me pickle your cucumbers.
  4. My sheep think you’re cute.
  5. You are just snapping the hell out of my beans, Honey!
  6. Is that your genetically engineered corncob, or are you just happy to see me?
  7. I want to fertilize your beans.
  8. That is one hell of a tractor tire you have there, Baby!
  9. Maybe we could artificially inseminate my mare with some love juice from your stud.
  10. I love the way your squash feel in my hand.
  11. You make my Hemi purr, Baby.
  12. I want to polish your chrome.
  13. May I pet your barn cat?
  14. I’d like to rub my alfalfa on your little timothy. We’d make some amazing hay.
  15. Come on over here and give my corn-fed booty a slap!
  16. And finally…will you hang on to my ass and give it a scratch while I remove my profile from Farmersonly.com? I think I’m in love!

36 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. colonialist
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 21:10:13

    Where a roll in the hay means more than eating a hotdog at a barn dance? :)

    Reply

  2. Katie
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 21:31:19

    ROFL!! :)

    Reply

  3. Yousei Hime
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 21:47:48

    Thanks for the like on the Intermittent Visitors post. You should think about it. I realize your topics and style aren’t for everyone (my lawyer sister sat stone faced as I read her your post on you and grandma at Coyote Bar), but I do love your writing. If not participating, visit a few. I should be doing one post in conjunction with one of my favorite poets. No idea what we’ll do and can’t wait to create it. Anyway…just an extended invitation to you, who bring smiles and laughter to me every day. Thank you. (Feel free to delete this comment to the flow of laughter doesn’t hit the serious bump.)

    Reply

  4. changeforbetterme
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 22:44:38

    LOL oh I can see it now! Talk about a bumper crop of lil hay bales! hahahah….You always make me laugh…well unless you are being serious……hey! I was hoping you could do me a favor….well you don’t have too and I would understand….but besides my recipe blog I just started a writing blog today! I would be forever grateful if you could take a looky see at my post and let me know what you think! cus I love your writings!! http://jlroeder.wordpress.com/
    If not thats ok too! thanks for the smiles today!

    Reply

  5. meizac
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 22:56:31

    I will never cease to be amazed at the “specialty” on-line dating sites. I think my favourite is the one for Christian singles, because of it’s opening line…something like “sometimes, we can’t wait for God to help us…” or something like that.

    Reply

  6. hughcurtler
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 23:22:43

    Where have you been? I miss reading your delightful blogs. They make the day! But as one who lives in farm country I must say I have only overheard 13 of your pickup lines while eavesdropping in Wal-Mart. :)

    Reply

  7. judysp
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 23:27:30

    We have a TV reality show in Australia called, ‘The Farmer Wants A Wife’ where they get 5 or 6 farmers and about 36 women competing to win a farmer. Not my sort of show (don’t like reality TV) but it’s very popular here :)
    love your posts cheers Judy

    Reply

  8. dianasschwenk
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 23:35:04

    Haha love it. Well farmers have needs too, right? Yee Haw and giddy up and all that!

    Reply

  9. joannerambling
    Aug 05, 2012 @ 00:31:14

    Damn I was going to mention ‘The Farmer Wants A Wife’ but judysp beet me to it bugga………not that I have ever seen it as I don’t watch reality TV much…………

    Reply

  10. Cathy
    Aug 05, 2012 @ 01:09:05

    LMAO!! Who knew!! There IS something for everybody and it is usually found on the internets! Thanks for the good laugh

    Reply

  11. doncarroll
    Aug 05, 2012 @ 05:04:37

    all too funny jenn. at least some get lucky at a walmart. it just will never happen in the walmarts here…i’ve turned to dust…hahaha.

    Reply

  12. braintomahawk
    Aug 05, 2012 @ 10:58:33

    I wonder if any pharmacists have tried to put a profile up.

    Pick-up line #3- i wont look at a pickle barrel the same! Haha

    Reply

  13. gene3067
    Aug 05, 2012 @ 12:22:03

    I still gotta go with the classic “looking for oats to sew”.

    Reply

  14. Smaktakula
    Aug 06, 2012 @ 04:48:16

    14 is hilarious, 13 is terribly dangerous. Unless you have one of those “friendly” barn cats that I read about in stories.

    Reply

  15. Annabelle
    Aug 06, 2012 @ 13:02:09

    I saw an ad once for a documentary about noodling (not that particular series) in which a guy with a few missing joints from his fingers said “Everything in the river seems to want to bite me, I don’t know what it is!” Gee, I wonder…

    And hey, nice ass.

    Reply

    • Jennifer Worrell
      Aug 07, 2012 @ 03:04:15

      I know, right? Keep your damn hand out from behind submerged rocks and you might have all your fingers.

      Thanks! My ass appreciates your kind words as do I. You are welcome to come scratch it!

      Reply

  16. persephonesstepsisters
    Aug 07, 2012 @ 14:30:06

    Wow, Jenn, thanks. I feel so sheltered.

    Reply

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