Ryan Lochte Gets My Speedo in a Twist

Ryan Lochte took swimming to a new level of sexy for me during these Olympic games. I imagine he has young swimmer girls around the world wishing he’d backstroke his way into their bathing suit bottoms. There are probably swimmer boys wishing for a little flutter from him as well; Lochte’s much-publicized obsession with shoes and hot pink Speedos probably gives the guys hope. Regardless of the direction this dude swims, he sure puts the flutter in my freestyle.

Jim Buzinski, of Outsports.com wrote that Lochte planned to have shitloads of sex during the games. Apparently, that village is a veritable Love Fest as horny, hot athletes wrap themselves around each other. Buzinski doesn’t know exactly which team Lochte swims for—if you know what I mean–but since Outsports is a site for gay sports fans, I’d say Buzinski and Co. wouldn’t be disappointed if Lochte paddled his way over to their lap lane. That would further prove the theory that a writing idol of mine, Jill Connor Browne, posed in one of her books—the hottest guys are either gay, married, or dead.  Personally, I don’t give a damn which side of the pool ropes the boy likes. When you look that good, you can swim in any lane you want.

My “new boyfriend” did admit during an interview with Ryan Seacrest that he peed in the warm-up pool between races. Eric Holden, of Yahoo Sports, wrote about how Lochte’s TMI moment with Seacrest made the swimmer seem pretty disgusting and unprofessional. I say that Holden should get a grip. It’s a warm-up pool, and Lochte’s just doing his part to keep it from getting too cold.  Besides, studs have to mark their territory, right?

Mr. Jenn has been rolling his eyes like crazy about my new crush. Don’t worry about him, though. Mr. Jenn’s in the middle of composing a letter to the officials of the Women’s Beach Volleyball Team. He finds Misty May-Treanor’s long sleeved shirt and leggings disappointing.

“Where are the bikinis?” he fussed. “Who the hell wears long britches to play beach volleyball?”

Now that the swimming events are over, I’ll miss watching my boy Ryan perform.  Even though he’s probably hosing down the pool while he swims, it’s been a great pleasure watching him hump the water during the butterfly portion of his individual medley races. Hope you’ve enjoyed the Games, Lochte—I also hoped you’ve wrapped that rascal. You don’t want to bring home anything from London other than your lime green tennis shoes and your medals!