Stasha, over at Northwest Mommy, and Bridget, at Twinisms, have challenged us to list ten people we’d like to invite to a dinner party. Lawd, let me fire up the peanut oil and get Mr. Jenn cooking. I tell you, that man is the Charlie Daniels of the deep fryer. I’m going to give the following folks a call and let them slide right on in here for some sweet tea and artery clogging.
- You! I love you people! Your comments and faithful “likes” on my posts make me so happy. I hope you’re snickering a little at my endless bullshit and don’t have a bone stuck in your throat or something. Anyway, Mr. Jenn will be happy to fry y’all some fish, and I’ll make the hushpuppies. If you catch us at the right time, we’ll steam you a bushel of blue crabs, too. That way you can tell all your friends you got your crabs from the Worrells.
- Rita Mae Brown would be my next guest as her writing has inspired me since I was sixteen. Rubyfruit Jungle changed my entire outlook. Starting from Scratch underscored my disdain for the passive tense. I’d make her a big ol’ pan of biscuits to go with whatever greasy concoction we come up with. She’s a fox hunting Virginian, so she’ll get it.
- I’d fix a Twinkie Pie for Jill Connor Browne, the head Sweet Potato Queen in charge. She is another inspiration. Go download all her Sweet Potato Queen books, net your bladder, and prepare your family for the howling that’s sure to ensue. I’m buying Fat Is the New 30 tomorrow. I can’t wait! Not only is she butt-jiggling funny, she’s also a fellow lard lover. She includes recipes for delicious dishes like “Pig Candy” and “Fatten You Right Up Rolls” in all her books.
- Later on, Judy Blume and I would belly up to some pasta. I doubt she’s the type to nosh on fried food, but one never knows. She’s a guest of honor because once I read her book Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing when I was in elementary school, I knew I had to write funny. I’ve been obsessed with making stories from the moment Fudge ate Peter’s turtle. Margaret, from Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret, and I did our boobie exercises and got our periods together. I learned all about sex when I snuck Forever in the house at age 11. Sorry, Mom, I didn’t wait until I was fourteen to read this book like you thought. That time you let me check it out from the library was a reread—probably my fifth one.
- On a different note, I’d make Ryan Lochte some spaghetti so he can carb load. I would also offer to check the fit of all his Speedos and alter them as necessary. So what if I can’t sew a button on straight.
- Mr. Jenn and I would slap a big ol’ venison roast in the smoker for all the guys in the Old Crow Medicine Show. I just downloaded their latest album, and I’ve been playing it over and over.
- The band “Shovels and Rope” would have to come over, too, with their friend Johnny Corndawg. They are another amazing group, and I think they’d eat a venison roast with me, too.
- Skye Zentz and I would have a baked ziti casserole with fresh squash and zucchini. Any girl who can make an entire record with a ukulele amazes me. Her version of “Lonesome Valley” gives me chill bumps all over. I’ve been playing her newest album, Bird Heart, over and over, as well.
- I’d love for Mike and Frank from American Pickers to come eat, too. I’ve got some stuff I want to sell. Maybe you’ll see them try and climb through my basement on their next episode.
- Eckhart Tolle rounds out my guest list. We can all evolve a little, right? Something tells me he won’t get off on fried fish, but maybe he’d eat some baked ziti with Skye and me.
So, y’all come up to the house and eat sometime. I’ll warm the grease and roll out the biscuits. If we’re really quiet, I believe we’ll be able to hear our cholesterol globules laying pipe in our arteries.