I, the Crackhead Beagle, am back for more twisted advice. I’ve nearly set my doghouse on fire contemplating this week’s question. Ethel Moonbeam , of Intercourse, PA, wants to know if she should cut her hair or have an affair. It’s a good thing I’m spayed.
Had my owners not opted to alter me, I would have encouraged Ethel to sit in the backyard with all four paws up in the air and howl. Something will always come along to tap that—just hope it’s not a roaming Chihuahua.
However, my priorities have changed from trolling the neighborhood for poontang to eating Snausages and leftover steak on my pillow. Since Ethel appears interested in Snausages of a different sort, I’ve got more of a clear head to consider the consequences of flaunting one’s wares through the monthly Homeowner’s Association meeting.
First of all, if you’ve seen one set of genitalia, you’ve seen them all. The grass only appears to grow greener on the other side of the dog pen. I must assume that there is a Mr. Moonbeam. If so, Ethel could get caught straying and wind up on her knees in front of the judge—lovin’ and litigation don’t mix. Just the thought of getting lawyers involved in one’s fling makes me want to go eat grass and heave on the floor at midnight. That’s an awful lot of pricks with whom to contend. Ethel will most definitely wind up with fleas or putting out for some slimeball attorney for eternity.
On the other hand, Ethel could cut her feathered bangs. I, personally, can’t imagine getting clipped. I find it tough to stand still for my monthly flea treatment. Honestly, Ethel could cut her hair until hell froze over, but that shit is always going to grow back out, and she’ll still be stuck with that same lame-assed mullet she has now. A sensible bob just isn’t going to fix what ails our dear, horny friend, Ethel.
Sounds like to me Ethel has been scooping ice cream out of the same tub of vanilla for too long, if you know what I mean. She needs some nuts.
Look, from one bitch to another, Ethel, you could go about this in a number of ways. Personally, I think you should shave everything—and I mean EVERYTHING—get yourself a leather bra and some thongs and flavor up the vanilla you’ve got at home. Mr. Moonbeam could use a spanking, and so could you. If you blindfold him, he can enjoy the whole thing without seeing that mullet you’ve been sporting since 1978.
Join me next week when I help Slack-Ass John sort out his career options–pump gas at the Slippin’ In on the Frontage Road or read tarot cards for Miss Cleo’s newest psychic venture. I”m looking into my crystal dogbone as we speak.
Please be patient with my owner. She is having Internet problems and will be around to read all your blogs as soon as she gets it fixed. Stealing WiFi from the Chick-Fil-A is getting old. Plus her ass is widening from all those waffle fries.