Trifecta Writing Challenge: Scandalous Flatulence

My new blogging buddy El Guapo introduced me to the Trifecta Writing Challenge. The editors post one word or three around which to build an entry. Each piece must run between 33 and 333 words. This week, the contest centered around the word “scandal” as used in the following definition:

3   a: a circumstance or action that offends propriety or established moral conceptions or disgraces those associated with it

     b : a person whose conduct offends propriety or morality <a scandal to the profession>
Naturally, I saw this contest as yet another opportunity to write about farts and make fun of somebody. Who will the victim be?
Tact and couth never ran rampant in my remedial reading classroom for sixth grade boys.  Various stenches hovered over the room with the thickness of a pea-soup fog. Ripping cacophonous flatulence brought status, not scandal, to these delightful children.  That is, until the day when one individual’s rear end discharged a noise that perked the ears of horny elephants in a zoo seventy miles away.

I knew better. When the book dropped on the floor, I should have left it there, or coerced a member of the Poot Patrol to pick it up for me. Women who are thirty-eight weeks pregnant have no business picking anything up off the floor, not even their own mucus plugs. Despite all my trepidation, I squatted down to retrieve Settling the West. I ask myself, even today, if the last shred of dignity left in my pregnancy was worth sacrificing for a boring book about sod houses and westward expansion.  We’ve come so far from the days of covered wagons, with our jet planes and artificial insemination for zoo animals. I can still feel the vibrations of the dancing elephants at the point when I knew I could no longer control the imminent explosion. Settling the West riffled open to pictures of a family sheltering in vain from a tornado screaming across the prairie. Seven shocked heads jerked toward me with gaped mouths. Too late for a flyover:  I had just emitted the fart that broke the sound barrier.      

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Just for shits and giggles, I included my attempt at last week’s prompt. The three words “cacophony,” “soap,” and “insects” had to be used in the prompt in that order. I missed the deadline, and I realized I’d spelled “cacophony” wrong on my comment to El Guapo so I’m glad I didn’t send it off. Here goes the edited version.

Amid the cacophony of Dora the Explorer mixing in with the irreverent voices in my own head, I struggle to put the soap in the dishwasher correctly. I reach for the handle, only to find my son climbing on the door trying to get inside. He has a plastic insect stuck up his nose. Green legs envelope his mouth, and I wonder if this is really Paradise.

Y’all have to check out that site and ENTER! Twenty hours left for “scandal.” Have a creative day!

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