Squirrels Eat Tomatoes, Drive Man Nuts

“Mama, can I touch the dead squirrel?” asked my four-year-old, Lil’ K.

Finding a dead squirrel in one’s tomato patch seems rather innocuous, particularly when one owns a ferocious crackhead beagle. In this case, the dog had nothing to do with the squirrel’s untimely end—she’s too bent on eating the air conditioning man. This particular rodent and his friends died because they didn’t take the hint and get the hell out of our tomato patch.

Mr. Jenn takes great pride his garden and in the neighboring wildlife. He always yelled at the dog for digging around his veggie plants and chasing critters. When deer began to nosh on our turnip greens earlier, Crackhead napped on the porch.

“Damn useless dog,” Mr. Jenn, Lord of Mixed Messages, muttered.

He then enlisted Lil’ K.’s help in constructing a scarecrow. The deer moved on.

When the squirrels discovered the ripening tomatoes on the thirty-three vines Mr. Jenn planted, he tried peeing on the scarecrow in hopes that the scent would scare them away.

Later, we found a green tomato with a squirrel-sized bite in it. I looked up into a nearby tree and discovered several more tomatoes sitting on a squirrel feeder Mr. Jenn constructed last winter. My dear husband, who apparently fancied himself Walt-Freaking-Disney or something, had to take action quickly or he was going to lose the several pints of salsa and quarts of tomato juice that I preserve each summer.

He tried putting a fake owl beside the scarecrow. The following day, we found chewed-up tomatoes under the owl.

Shots startled me at the buttcrack of dawn the next morning. My husband had disappeared, so I crept to the garden, making sure the Mayans hadn’t confused their dates. I found Mr. Jenn in his underwear, aiming his .22.

“The little bastards should have left when I asked nicely,” he whispered.

POW! A squirrel and a tomato fell out of the tree. Apparently, Walt-Freakin’-Disney no longer wanted squirrels in this small world!”

25 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jannatwrites
    Jul 14, 2012 @ 05:06:21

    I thought the peeing on the scarecrow was pretty funny, as was the fact the squirrels seemed to taunt your husband. Your title so accurately describes this – I think he did go nuts:) (I kind of feel bad for the squirrels, even though they should’ve seen it coming!)


  2. Jo-Anne Meadows
    Jul 14, 2012 @ 06:34:52

    Ok the bit about the scarecrow was funny but damn the part with the shotgun cracked me up and the line about him being Walt-Freakin’-Disney also bloody funny…………….I take it you didn’t let the child touch the dead squirrel…………


  3. the howler and me
    Jul 14, 2012 @ 11:26:52

    I tell you, between the squirrels and the rabbits round these parts, our tomatoes and cucumber plants look like crap. Our neighbor who lives in the basement said he’d get out his gun and we could have rabbit stew… but I just don’t have it in me to do that….little guys needs to eat too….I just wish they’d find someone elses garden to pilfer…

    The little jerks.


  4. karenlessscripted
    Jul 14, 2012 @ 12:39:45

    I had a cat who used to kill squirrels and eat their heads. He’d drag the headless body into the house and leave it as a present for me. Much messier than shooting them!


  5. dianasschwenk
    Jul 14, 2012 @ 13:34:54

    I like Mr. Jenn! He’s got moxi!


  6. persephonesstepsisters
    Jul 14, 2012 @ 13:52:27

    So, I just gotta ask: was the squirrel left as a warning to the other bushy-tailed rodents?


  7. chapterfourfivesix
    Jul 14, 2012 @ 14:08:19

    Can Mr. Jenn come to my house? We’ve got a raccoon turf war and STRAWBERRY THIEF squirrels. they drive me equally nutso. Also my name is also Jen, so we will have lots in common.:)


  8. hughcurtler
    Jul 15, 2012 @ 14:01:42

    Delightful. I know how Mr. Jenn feels. “The little bastards”!! Thanks for a great blog.


    • Jennifer Worrell
      Jul 15, 2012 @ 15:50:16

      So glad you visited, but I’m sorry you and the squirrels don’t get along either. Just visited your blog and remembered my days with Brit. Lit. quite fondly…currently searching for my copy of Mill on the Floss now…


  9. Annabelle
    Jul 15, 2012 @ 16:49:39

    OMG, that’s hilarious. Just a little overkill, maybe. Although now that I think about it, my grandmother on one occasion threw her cat at a squirrel on her birdfeeder. Successfully scared the crap out of both the cat and the squirrel.


  10. @trifectawriting
    Jul 16, 2012 @ 00:23:39

    Thanks so much for linking up with Trifecta this weekend. Please remember to come back and vote for your top three posts!


  11. Main Street Musings Blog
    Jul 17, 2012 @ 12:26:51

    Mr. Disney might have been more sympathetic towards a mouse😉


  12. thechavagnesexperience
    Jul 27, 2012 @ 19:25:19

    We have kids like yours, a dog like yours and with a few name changes you could be me!:)


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