Oh, My Gawwwwd! I Can See Sarah Palin from My House!

ImageOr at least I can see the glow from the veins in Matt Lauer’s head continuing to pound even today, over a week after he had to manhandle Alaska’s favorite Mass Moose Murderer on the Today Show. He hauled her around with more force than I do with Lil’ P. when he’s trying to lick the refrigerator. Palin couldn’t figure out where to stand, she wouldn’t shut up, and poor Matt looked like he was about to have a complete hemorrhage on the Plaza.  She needed a pair of overalls like Lil’ P. wears so Matt could grab the back of ‘em to keep her in line.  Yesterday, I fished Lil’ P. out of the toilet with his straps, so I know Farmer Britches provide effective restraint. Perhaps we could get some stretchy overalls for Palin—so stretchy that if we pulled them back far enough we could fling her up to Juneau or wherever the hell she came from. I understand, though, that those folks up there have had enough of her too; so much so that they might just ricochet her back—or mount her and hang her up on the Pipeline.

I’m harping on this broad today because I’m jealous as hell sick of her using politics to fatten her wallet. Don’t get me wrong, I love money, but I’m not about to throw my country under my book tour bus in pursuit of its royal greenness. I will continue to toil in my classroom and play the ponies because I know I’m too much of a dumb ass to run the most powerful nation in the world. Sarah Palin, however, leads us to believe she does not possess this level of self-knowledge. We, her reluctant constituents, can see the glow of her rampant jackassery for miles, even farther than the sparkles of rage circling Matt Lauer’s head. I understand that we need to know our political candidates, understand their issues, and all that crap. A Huffington Post article even praises her for blazing the self-promotional trail for women. I’m still pissed off that the Palins of the world continue to run for office for fame, book deals, and Twitter followers #jennwillrunforpresidenttoscamtwitterfollowerstoo.

Again, I must offer this disclaimer. I love money. I don’t blame Palin or anyone else who pursues money in accordance with their own strengths. For instance, someone should give Sarah a hunting show, or better yet, a hunting network. She could endorse bows, rifles, scopes, shotguns and 2012 prepper supplies. A fishing show wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility for this coiffed outdoorswoman either. Palin could make a shitload of money selling stink bait and not terrify us with the prospect of her moody hand hovering over the red button after yet another bad interview with Katie Couric.

Sarah Palin isn’t the only political figure that currently has the honor of chapping my ass—the majority of them do.  Any dickhead with money could potentially be in line for our Presidency—and God, aren’t these idiots a fine collection? Vermin Cain? Snoot Gingrich (hands off my yoot, Newt)? Prick Santorum? Twit (Twat) Romney? Vermin is long gone out of the running—his propensity for screwing others screwed him. Snoot and Prick will probably be battling it out with Sarah Flailin’ for a chance to be Twit’s VP candidate. I’d say that at least one of these asswidgets will flood the market with books that none of us would give two squirrel nuts to read.

I was reared and educated by folks whose political beliefs lay about 35 miles to the right of the Pope. My politics have traveled only about 35 miles to the left of His Holiness, but still. What I have carried with me is a respect for the founding fathers of our country. I know we can’t exactly canonize these men. Thomas Jefferson had a little shopping problem and couldn’t keep his pants zipped. George Washington just wanted to fox hunt. The difference between these men and the clods in politics today, according to my history books, is that our earliest forefathers saw leadership as a responsibility, not a personal publicity campaign. Washington reluctantly took the job of Presidency—he had just fought a war; he wanted to hang out with his hounds at Mount Vernon, not run the country. Jefferson wrote the documents that freed our nation. These men put their lives on the line for this country and its principles. They sure as hell didn’t deface it by acting the fool on the Today Show or hopping on a tour bus to promote a book or some godawful television.

True leadership is not glamorous—did you ever see a President look better at the end of his term than at the beginning? I don’t agree with many of Obama’s policies, but I do believe that when he took that oath in front of millions of people, he really internalized the enormity of the responsibility with which he was tasked. His hair is grayer, and to date, he has conducted himself with class. He spends a veritable shitload of money, but so far he hasn’t taken Sasha and Malia salmon fishing five feet from hungry grizzly bears on some dumb ass reality show like Sarah Palin did. He’s too busy trying to raise my taxes.

So Sarah, have I got a deal for you! I’ll trade you my five six Twitter followers (Big A. is following me now) for your book tour bus and a solemn promise that you will leave the masturbatory marketing to people of my ilk and vow never to torture poor Matt Lauer again. You’d better keep looking over your shoulder, though, you Salmon-Swilling Wackjob! I’m going to sneak over and leave some brilliant comments on Twit Romney’s Facebook page. I’ll see you in November!


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